


Just Out of Grasp

by Syrus



Category: Star Trek: 2009
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-28
Updated: 2010-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syrus/pseuds/Syrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk thought that he knew exactly what and who he needed in his life, but all of that changed when he met the Enterprise crew, and more specifically, his First Officer, Commander Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ** Chapter 1 **

**   
Chapter 1   
**

"Jim, I don't...understand." Spocks face went completely blank and Kirk felt a strange kind of twinge at this.

"I don't know if I can explain it any better than that, Spock. It's just...beyond me."

"Am I to understand then that you are unwilling to let our commitment to each other extend beyond our occasional sexual couplings?" Kirk wasnt stupid, he could hear the faint hurt in Spocks tone over his words, and he didnt enjoy that, but there was no use in trying to change the facts.

"No, I'm not unwilling. I'm unable. There's a difference, you know. And don't look at me like that." Kirk tried to speak with a bit of humor to lighten up the situation, but he could tell that Spock was rather far from feeling any sort of amusement in this moment.

"I believe I still am failing to grasp your meaning. Is this an attempt at humor that I am misunderstanding?"

"Spock. I don't do relationships. I don't do deep feelings and commitment. The only thing I can give you is sex." Kirk tried to speak as plainly as possible and not let any of his own feelings get involved.

This is why he didnt want any sort of relationship. These feelings made him feel too weak and vulnerable for his liking. He didnt want to depend on anyonehe didnt want to feel like he needed anyone. He needed to be his own being and a relationship turned everything from I to we whether one liked it or not. Kirk was never and would never be a we.

He enjoyed friendship and camaraderie thoroughly, but love? He was afraid that would turn him into someone that he didnt want to be.

"I...see." Kirk felt his resolve slipping just the slightest when he heard a kind of defeated acceptance in Spocks voice when he finally responded to what he said, but he took a deep breath and tried to stand his ground.

"I...I thought we both understood what we were getting into. Now I see that wasn't the case." Kirk tried to now speak as sympathetically as possible, not wanting to upset Spock any further, hoping deep down that after some time, they could repair their relationship back to what it was.

"Captain. Being raised as a Vulcan, I feel as though I must explain myself to you as well."

"I'm listening." Kirk decided that he would hear Spock out, not because he would allow the other to change his mind, but because it would simply be too cruel to shut him out and then shove him out of the room due to the subconscious fear that Spock would say something that would do just that.

"We do not easily form strong bonds with others, and the probability of forming such bonds with those not of our race is much lower. But...when these bonds are formed, they are not easily broken." Spock seemed to be giving him a meaningful look at this, his face very serious.

"So you're telling me that Vulcans form bonds for keeps, is it?" Kirk chuckled lightly as he spoke, still trying to lighten up the situation a bit more, trying to smooth things out a bit.

"Such commitments are never entered into lightly." Spock affirmed, seemingly impervious to Kirks attempts.

"And, you've told me this because you've decided that I'm the one you'd like such a bond with, and I can't really change your mind about it because you've already made your decision?" Kirk began to get a little impatient, feeling irrationally as though he was being forced into something, when Spock was really doing no such thing.

Kirk just didnt like a situation where, at the back of his mind, he suspected that his position just might be the wrong one to take.

"Not quite in those words, but something to that effect, yes."

"God, Spock. I can't believe that you of all people is doing this to me." Kirk just let out an exasperated sigh at this, feeling as though he wasnt getting through to Spock at all.

"Doing...?" Kirk could see that the other seemed half way confused at what he was saying, and he realized that he would have to clarify, even if that would risk hurting his feelings more.

Kirk had to get right to the truth in this, even if it were a bit of an ugly one. He knew that he had to treat this like pulling off a bandaid. This wasnt like all the other girls hed slept with and who got attached to him as a result. Some how, this being Spock just put this situation in a whole different ballpark. One, in which, any pain he caused the other over this making him feel extremely guilty.

Another reason why he didnt like relationships. He didnt want to deal with all the irrational feelings of guilt that came along with all of it.

"You're a Vulcan. I thought you were the last person who'd get attached." He tried to sound amused, but he thought it may have come out a little more impatiently than hed intended.

Spock was silent for a long moment after he said this, and he almost wanted to take back his words. He wished he knew what was going on inside that Vulcan head of his, but now his eyes suddenly seemed quite closed off and his mouth slowly set itself into a thin line.

"I believe it would be quite illogical to continue this conversation when we obviously cannot come to any sort of agreement. You may consider our arrangement terminated at this time, as I do not believe it would do either of us any good when we both want a different result from the interaction."

"Oh, Spock, you don't have to get like that! You're too damn good in bed to give up just like that." Kirk said in slight apology, trying to reach out to touch the others cheek.

Spock drew away from the touch as though hed been burned and that hurt Kirk the most.

"Unfortunately, Captain, I am sure it would be detrimental for me to keep wanting something that cannot happen, and it would be advisable for me to remove myself from the situation to allay my desires." He said as he hurriedly began to dress, not daring to make eye contact with Kirk anymore.

"Look, I think you're just feeling confused with all the closeness. It happens to the best of us. And, it will eventually pass." Kirk tried to soften his tone as he spoke, wanting to get the other to listen, but it appeared to be of no use.

"...I should leave now. I will see you tomorrow on the bridge at the beginning of alpha shift." Spock spoke stiffly, finally getting on his boots and abruptly standing up from the bed in the Captains room.

He then strode quickly to the door.

"No, Spock, wa-" Kirk tried to stop him, but the other left his quarters and didnt look back.

The next day on the bridge, Kirk did his best to act as though everything was completely normal between the both of them, but he felt as though you could cut the tension between them with a knife. It was like the bad break up that he never wanted. What made it all so much worse was that this wasn't just random girl he picked up at a bar or met at the Academy. This was his First Officer, whom he was supposed to be in harmony with, at least most of the time, and it was obvious that a personal matter had come between them, even when it was expected that their duty to Starfleet had priority to everything else.

He wanted to fix it somehow, but really what could he do? Though the mood between both of them had deteriorated slightly, lacking some of the warmth that it had before, Spock's work had not gone down in efficiency and the other still interacted with him politely, though he definitely acted far more aloof with him than he had for a long time.

This wasn't just his First Officer. This was his friend. A friend that he'd had to work hard to gain, but he'd still managed it, after all the animosity they had gone through together. And, to his surprise, he not only gained friendship, but a strange kind of attraction between them that had blossomed into the 'friends with benefits' sort of relationship Kirk thought they had, but obviously, Spock felt it was something more.

And maybe there were moments when it was, such as some times after sex they'd just lain in each other's arms, comfortable in each other's warmth and closeness…in the privacy of his own mind, Kirk was able to admit that he had a sneaking bout of affection in those times for Spock, but he'd of course pushed that down wh en he'd regained his senses. Now that he looked back on those times, he realized that, over the time they'd been having these encounters with each other, it had always taken longer to get back to his senses.

And now he felt as though he'd destroyed his friendship with Spock. But this whole situation was out of his hand at Spock's misunderstanding. How could he apologize to the other for what was the truth? He figured that he would just have to ride this whole thing out and that Spock would eventually just get over him. That's what everyone else had to do anyway.

Get over him, move on, forget. Kirk could tell that he was giving Spock quite a tall order with this since they were around each other almost constantly on a daily basis. The times were rare, but this was one where he would concede that he was a complete bastard, especially when he turned Spock down after he knew how hard it was for the other to open up to him that way.

He would not cave, since it wouldn't do either of the m any good when he just knew he wasn't the type to commit. And he knew a bit about Vulcan bonds. They lasted a life time. Forever. It wasn't something that could be changed or ended when both parties decided the fun was over. There was no way he could get into something like that when he hadn't been in a relationship that lasted for more than a week.

Kirk was glad when his shift came to an end. All this thinking was getting to be too much, and he decided that he really just needed a drink. He happened to catch Scotty after his shift and invited him over to his quarters to have said drink, finding over time that the other made quite the drinking buddy. He was fiercely loyal, and if you told him something that was troubling you during one of these drinking sessions, no matter how stupid you thought it was, he'd try his best to help you.

Sure he might laugh at you and tease you a bit before he helped, but really, it was the thought that counted. And as they both downed their third glasses of whiskey, Kirk was starting to feel more ready to talk.

"Scotty, why am I such a bastard?" Kirk said, his speech not quite slurred, but it was easy to tell he wasn't quite sober any more either.

"Well, I dunno, Jim. It's hard to pinpoint just one reason." He said in his teasing voice, chuckling and taking another sip of his drink.

"No, seriously. Because I think Spock hates me." Kirk said in slight bitterness, downing the rest of his fourth glass and slamming it down on the table.

"I thought Mr. Spock was just a generally crabby person. You know, like he's got this enormous titanium rod shoved up his - "

"Spock's got reason to hate me, Scotty." Kirk was silent for a moment before he continued speaking, everything tumbling out, "I've slept with him, you know. Been sleeping with him a while."

Kirk had to chuckle himself when that statement from him made Scotty almost choke on his drink, but when he recovered, he looked at him like he was crazy and said, "You've managed to get a Vulcan in your bed? Especially that Vulcan? Good god, Jim…I'm not sure where you got skills like that, but I'm sure I wouldn't mind if you taught me some of them!"

Kirk then laughed a little mirthlessly and he said, "I wouldn't go after any Vulcans if I were you, Scotty. They play for keeps."

"So that mean…you're actually off the market? You and he are…?" Scotty asked with his eyebrows raised in shock.

Kirk shook his head and a tiny bit of guilt snuck into his tone as he replied with a sigh, "No, it's not like that…but I…I can tell he wants something like that."

"Well, if you don't, then you should tell him that before any feelings really get hurt then." Scotty suggested, his face filled with mild concern.

Kirk just let out another sigh at this and said, "I think I've gotten myself in over my head as it is. Don't worry though, I'll think of a way to fix things."

Scotty then stuck to silence for a few moments, letting both of them sip their drinks for that time when he finally changed the subject, "Well, I've really got no interest in Vulcans. I'm actually more interested in Lieutenant Uhura…now that she's not with Spock, that is. Obviously."

Then a teasing look came into Kirk's eyes as he said, "Uhura, huh? She definitely is quite the dish. Smart, hot…but she will be hard to win over, so good luck on that."

"Aye, I feel like I've got my work cut out for me there." Scotty said in mock defeat, though Kirk was sure he wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't actually feeling a little unsure about everything.

"Don't worry, Scotty. I've never known a woman who was able to resist a Scotsman that was trying to woo them." Kirk said, chuckling a bit again.

"I suppose if you put it that way, I've got nothing to worry about!" Scotty said, playfully clinking his glass together with Kirk's.

Now Kirk wished things were just as easy in his own situation. Easy or not though, he knew that he had to talk to Spock as soon as possible. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but he was definitely going to do something about this.


	2. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry about the formatting errors that happened in the last chapter! I think is just not friends with things I post and randomly likes to remove my punctuation and other formatting in my chapters. x_x I'll try to stop it from happening in the future if possible, but I'd like to ask you to PM me rather than leave me a review about any formatting errors that may occur, since I'd like my reviews to about more than just these sort of errors. ^^;;; Thank all of you so much for reading and please enjoy the rest of this story! XDD

A/N: Sorry about the formatting errors that happened in the last chapter! I think is just not friends with things I post and randomly likes to remove my punctuation and other formatting in my chapters. x_x I'll try to stop it from happening in the future if possible, but I'd like to ask you to PM me rather than leave me a review about any formatting errors that may occur, since I'd like my reviews to about more than just these sort of errors. ^^;;; Thank all of you so much for reading and please enjoy the rest of this story! XDD

**   
Chapter 2   
**

On the conclusion of their shifts, Kirk was determined to speak to Spock, who, unfortunately, still seemed to be avoiding him. He would take care of this one way or another. And he knew the best way to keep Spock from escaping would be to approach him in his quarters, so he did just this.

Buzzing insistently at the door, he indicated who he was when prompted, and then waited for the door to open. This part made him the most nervous since here Spock could actually choose not to let him in if he didn't want to see him and he knew that the situation didn't warrant the use of his emergency unlock code, so he just waited.

He let out a sigh of relief when the door finally slid open and he walked inside. The place was as ordered as he had ever remembered it being, their past liaisons ending here at times, but his mind was suddenly brought back to the matter at hand when Spock suddenly spoke.

"Is there something you required urgently, sir?" his voice was crisp and cool and implied he was not really willing to entertain anything but conversation about work.

Kirk then steeled his resolve to have this conversation no matter what as he replied, "No, I want to talk to you about a personal matter."

"Can it not wait? I was about to settle for a period of sleep."

Kirk now took a closer look at the other, and he was indeed no longer in his usual Starfleet uniform. He now was in some kind of black velvety looking robe. Suddenly he wondered what was under that robe…was Spock just in his underwear? In nothing at all? Kirk knew in that moment he would most like to find that out.

"No, it can't wait." Kirk took a breath before he kept talking, "I just wanted to tell you I was sorry for how I reacted to what you were telling me the last time we were alone. I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

Kirk swore he saw some hurt flash in Spock's eyes for just a moment before he said, "It is illogical and unnecessary to apologize for something you do not truly feel sorry for."

"I don't want things to change between us." Kirk said, feeling another twinge of that guilt, but he ignored it.

"Perhaps we both should have thought about this before we engaged in intercourse." Spock's voice was so even as he said this and something about it got on Kirk's nerves.

"I didn't mean to lead you on or anything, Spock." Kirk replied in slight irritation.

"What's done is done, Captain." hearing Spock using that stiff but polite tone with him in such a personal setting just served to get Kirk even more irritated, especially since it caused even more guilt about the whole situation to well up inside of him.

Kirk stepped resolutely toward Spock and said in a hard tone, "So that's it then? You just want to give it all up?"

Spock was silent for a long moment before he replied quietly, "I wish to do nothing of the sort, but it would do me no good to continue wishing for what cannot be, Jim."

Spock's voice was filled with a thinly masked pain, and suddenly he was moving without thinking, taking a firm hold in Spock's robes to pull him closer to him so that there were mere inches away from each other and he spoke in an almost command, "I want you."

The half Vulcan's eyes had widened slightly in surprise, and Kirk could easily see the desire there. This caused him to smirk slightly, and he continued to draw Spock even closer to him as his voice turned husky, "I want to push you against this wall behind me and take you."

Since they were so close, Kirk could even hear the other breathing, so he definitely didn't miss the hitch that his words caused in Spock's breath, and then the other whined back softly, "Jim…"

Kirk knew that was it for him, because whenever he heard Spock's voice like that, it drove him wild. He crashed their lips together in a messy, open mouthed kiss, and he began to walk them over to the wall behind him to carry out on his promise.

Spock kissed him back with fervor and his hands were hurriedly divesting Kirk of his uniform with quick efficiency. Kirk knew that this was one time that he especially enjoyed Spock's efficiency, so he tried to keep out of the other's way as they kissed and touched and licked and sucked…Kirk had lost his breath by the time he felt his heels bumping the wall he was backing them towards.

By this time, Kirk had pushed down Spock's robe and found that he was in his underwear. Well, that definitely wouldn't be for long. He switched their positions and pushed Spock forcefully against the wall, locking lips with him and pushing his body as hard against the other's as he could as they kissed. He pushed down his own underwear and then slowly removed Spock's, moving his lips down to the half-Vulcan's neck.

Hearing the soft moans from the other just spurred him on, positioning himself to grind against the other in a torturously slow way when they both were naked, intending to tease a bit, but he found his thrusts against the other getting more frantic and erratic when he felt the other returning his movements.

He knew he couldn't wait any longer. He raised two fingers up and ran them sensually over Spock's lips, giving him the silent cue to open his mouth and take his fingers in. The other finally did so, laving them with his tongue and coating them liberally with his saliva. Kirk loved to watch Spock do this, the concentration he always devoted to the task an enormous turn on.

Finally, and in slight reluctance, Kirk removed his fingers from the other's mouth, then urging the other to turn around and place his hands on the wall, and bend over in an attractive way in front of him. As soon as Spock was in position, Kirk began to work those moistened fingers inside of the other, pushing his body against Spock's back and groaning in the other's ear at the tight heat around his fingers.

"Please, Jim…I am ready." Spock moaned softly to him, and at this Kirk carefully removed his fingers, positioned himself at Spock's entrance, and began to push in.

He made sure that when he got as far as he could go in, he put his arms around the other, and made sure as much of their bodies were touching as they could as he allowed Spock to get used to him. He felt his own arousal throbbing in need, and he felt Spock's heart thrumming in his side.

"Hnn…Spock." Kirk breathed back to the other as he began a slow rhythm between them.

Soon enough, Spock was pushing back against Kirk's thrusts and silently begging for the other to move faster, move deeper, and to take him with more force. Kirk definitely didn't disappoint, as his movements quickly became erratic and wild due to his own need. As he felt himself getting close, Kirk knew that Spock must also be, so he reached around the other to grab a hold of the half-Vulcan's extremely stiff arousal and begin to stroke it in time with his movements.

Finally, with the sound of their flesh slapping together, their grunts and moans, their harsh breaths, and the feel of Spock's hot skin under his fingertips, Kirk was finally pushed over the edge, burying himself as deep inside the other as he could and pushing his face into the other's neck, finding the other's scent to be comforting in a strange way.

With a few additional strokes by his hand, Spock came as well with a hitch in his breath, leaning weakly against the wall for a few moments as he held up both his and Kirk's weights. When Kirk felt the other stop trembling under the effort of holding them both up, he encouraged the other to turn around so that he could embrace him.

Kirk had never made it a habit to hold or cuddle with anyone else he'd slept with, but for some reason, with Spock it always seemed important and almost essential. He felt as though it was a harmless extension of the sexual act, so there was no reason to over think the reasoning behind it. This time was no different, holding the now calm and satisfied Spock in his arms as he lightly rubbed the other's back softly.

Spock shifted slightly so that he could kiss the side of Kirk's neck softly and then he whispered a single word so quietly that it almost wasn't heard by Kirk, "T'hy'la."

Kirk stiffened unconsciously when he heard it. Though he did not know the meaning of the word, since it obviously was Vulcan, the incredibly intimate and personal way it was spoken to him gave him a clue. But the mood between them was suddenly broken by Kirk's uneasiness, and he instantly felt guilty for ruining this nice moment between them. For just a second, he could believe that things were back to the way they used to be between them, but hearing that word spoken softly against his ear proved otherwise.

Spock then also stiffened so much that it seemed as though is body was trying to apologize for letting that word slip, and quickly the other distanced himself from him. Kirk found himself immediately missing the warmth from the other, but his thoughts were pushed aside by Spock's words, "Jim, it is now most obvious to me that I cannot do this anymore. Please, respect my feelings. If you cannot return them, then this is fine, but do not make me feel as though you are toying with me for your personal gain."

"Spock, I'm not toying with you!" Kirk said, sounding irritated and apologetic all at once.

"Then, I must ask you not return to my quarters in the evening this way, with expectations such as these, again. I can be your Chief Science Officer, your First Officer, and your friend…but do not ask anything more from me." his voice was cool and firm, and left no room for argument.

Kirk hated that tone from Spock the most, since the other most often used it to talk himself out of things that could be great opportunities, at least in Kirk's opinion. Since Kirk just looked at him thoughtfully and frowned slightly, Spock decided that he must add to his reasoning as to why they should no longer have private meetings such as these.

"Jim…you make it quite difficult for me to control myself and my emotions in situations such as these, and with you unable to return my commitment, further physical couplings would just serve to give me more pain over the issue." Though Spock's face looked the same as it often did when they had conversations on the bridge, his eyes were extremely troubled, "I will be unable to forget the feelings that most unintentionally had formed for you."

The sinking feeling of guilt that was growing with every one of Spock's words had now settled uncomfortably in his stomach, and he wasn't sure if there was another time in his life he felt more like a user and an asshole. He just looked back at Spock apologetically, not sure what he could say without seeming even more like a jerk.

Spock seemed to take Kirk's silence as acquiescence to his words and so he finally added, "In this case, I also must ask for you to leave right after you dress, since you staying the night here would just add to my internal conflict."

On saying this, Spock hurried to put his underwear and his robe back on, hurriedly covering up as much of himself as possible and then waited patiently for Kirk to dress. It killed Kirk to hear Spock like this, so good at hiding the pain, but little things still gave the other away. The look in the half-Vulcan's eyes, the slight tonal changes in the other's voice…maybe it was a good thing he was leaving. He was sure that the longer he stayed with Spock now, the worse his guilt would eat him alive.

"Well…see you on the bridge, Spock." Kirk said with a soft nod, not sure how else to say goodbye in a situation like this.

"Yes, Captain. Good night." He said, opening the door to the hall when Kirk was descent.

"Good night." Kirk gave him one last look before making his way to his own quarters, just a short walk down the hall.

That night though, it felt like an awfully cold and long walk indeed.


	3. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 3 **

**   
Chapter 3   
**

Within the next week, the Enterprise came into contact with a rather hostile Romulan ship, and due to the nature of the Romulans on board, they did not surrender, even if it was obvious they could not overpower the Enterprise. There ended up being only one survivor, and she was the commander of that ship.

When she was beamed aboard the Enterprise, she did not resist arrest, but she refused to speak with anyone. Kirk informed her that she would not be treated as a prisoner during the time spent on the ship, but would be installed in one of the guest quarters during her ride over to the closest Starbase.

Kirk had been keeping away from Spock completely after their last encounter, not even asking the other for a friendly chess match like they used to do, deciding that he'd done enough damage as it was. Spock asked for time to forget, and Kirk knew he had to give it to him, no matter how much he didn't want to. Deciding to return to the bridge after speaking shortly with the Romulan Commander, he ordered Spock to make sure she got to her quarters and then to return to the bridge.

At least that would give him a few minutes without the tension he felt when he and Spock were in the same room. He was now sure that he'd only made the situation between he and Spock much worse.

The matter with the Captain was also weighing quite heavily on Spock's mind, and this did not change as he led the Romulan Commander over to the quarters she had been assigned.

On reaching the room, Spock said evenly and politely, "Here is the room you are to stay in during your time on the Enterprise. It is one of our most comfortable guest quarters, and it is stocked well with reading materials for you. Should you require anything else, do not hesitate to contact either myself or Captain Kirk at any time through our communicators."

"You are not like them. How is it that you can stand being around these humans as often as you are?" she asked, looking at Spock questioningly, seemingly breaking her self imposed vow of almost silence.

"Though humans have proved to be quite illogical time and again, I have found no better companionship than my fellow crew members on the Enterprise." Spock said, his voice softening just slightly, but most people would probably miss it.

Kirk was not likely to, but most others definitely would have. His thoughts about Kirk were shaken when he saw her raising a curious eyebrow at his statement.

"Your statement in its own sounds illogical. I do not believe humans are truly capable of understanding beings such as you or myself." she finally said, looking him over in a very appraising kind of manner.

He then wordlessly opened the quarters door for her and then he said, "I must be returning to the bridge now."

"So soon? I have much to learn of human customs, and it would be nice to have an experienced guide on the subject." She said, motioning for him to join her inside the quarters.

Spock hesitated for a moment. He could easily tell that she had ulterior motives for inviting him inside, but his current problems with Kirk left him with no quick desire to return to the bridge. He figured that perhaps this situation would provide him with a welcome distraction from his problems, so he finally nodded and enter the room.

When the door closed behind him, he spoke calmly, "I suppose I could spare a few additional moments to further your education of human customs."

She approached him with a graceful kind of gait and stood tall and proud. Spock had to admit that she was quite an attractive woman, and was of a strong personality. It reminded him a lot of Kirk in that aspect.

"One thing I was most interested in was…" her voice took somewhat of a sultry tone, "…how these humans express their regard for one another. On Romulus, one deserving of such regard is known by all…"

She looked even more carefully at Spock now, edging just a little closer, "It is in their voice, in their step, in their face…in their eyes."

Now she was just a foot away from Spock, and he found that he didn't have his usual urge to step backwards, this Romulan having a strangely alluring effect on him. He knew exactly what was on her mind now, and really…he was trying to come up with a logical reason in his head to stop her. He wanted to move on…to forget…and maybe this was just what he needed.

"What is your name?" she demanded softly.

"I am Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. I am this ship's Chief Science Officer and First Officer." He said, standing at attention, his hands clasped stiffly behind his back, "And…you are?"

"I am N'Tarlahe. I am one of the high commanders in the Romulan Fleet. Though, I hope we may be able to interact…on a more personal basis." she said, giving him a tiny smile.

"I believe it may be possible. " Spock said, his tone getting minutely softer, but it stayed as even as it ever was.

Her smile grew slightly and her tone got impossibly more sensual, "We Romulans usually take what we want when we want it, but I do believe that we would not be harmed by having the finesse of a Vulcan on our side."

"It is a logical thought." Spock breathed back, watching intently as she raised two fingers and caressed softly down the side of his face.

He closed his eyes and controlled his instinct to blush, trying to control his heart rate. When he finally opened them again, he found her smiling seductively at him, and it caused him to take in a deep breath. He then raised two fingers of his own to meet with hers and he rubbed over the front and back of them carefully, feeling a small shiver pass up his arm at the contact.

Yes, it indeed was nice, but this still wasn't Jim. It wasn't his t'hy'la.

"You are most stimulating in…conversation, Spock." she unabashedly flirted with him now, staring him down with her intense eyes and running those fingers over his lips.

Spock let her do as she pleased, his lips parting just slightly under her attentions. Her fingers then made their way down his chin and neck to his chest. He then too raised his fingers to caress down her cheek and over her lips as well. He was sure that all of this was highly unprofessional, but he decided to let it go on a little longer, secretly liking the attention a little bit after the painful rejection from Kirk.

He didn't care that she was doing all of this for her own reasons, and he strangely didn't care that she was a Romulan either. He came to the conclusion that part of her allure was owed to the fact that she did things in a very logical and sensible manner, unlike the previous Romulans he had the misfortune of encountering. She obviously felt that if she had someone from Starfleet Command on her side, she would fair better in what she would be facing in the future as a prisoner of the Federation.

Spock knew that his first and foremost duty was to his ship and Starfleet and this resolve would not easily be changed, even by an attractive woman who was trying to seduce him to her side. But…whatever was happening between them now…he let it happen because they both had their reasons and due to his selfish needs.

This continued for some more minutes, just tentative touches that seemed to promise so much more, sticking strictly to Vulcan kisses, and he could tell that she was breathless. He more carefully controlled his reactions, but he had to admit that he was slightly heavier of breath due to all of the stimulation to his sensitive hands.

Finally he stepped back from her and spoke in his business tone, anyone that would just walk in none the wiser to his definitely inappropriate activities with her, "I am due most urgently to the bridge now, as the Captain had ordered me to return swiftly."

She took a calming breath herself and she raised an eyebrow at him, saying, "Perhaps we may continue this conversation at a later time?"

"Yes, perhaps." Spock said, giving her a nod and then quickly vacating the quarters.

He wasn't quite sure what he was getting himself involved in, but whatever it was…it was better than thinking constantly about the way that Kirk turned him down in that almost apologetic kind of way. He halfway wondered if it was himself that was lacking in some area, but there was no way he could try changing himself it he wasn't sure what had caused Kirk's aversion.

No, it was just something that had to be forgotten with time. And this…at least this gave him something else to focus on for the time being.

In the days following the capture of the Romulan Commander, Kirk was really starting to miss spending time with Spock. Not only had he lost his proverbial 'fuck buddy,' he'd lost his good friend, and knowing that it was really all his fault was the worst. He wondered if he should try talking to the other again to repair their relationship in some way, but now Spock had also seemed to go out of his way to make himself scarce.

Kirk thought that he finally would have the chance to talk to the other when he spotted Spock in the main rec room on the ship, but he quickly saw that his First was in an apparently very engrossing conversation with that Romulan Commander.

Something about the sight just irritated the hell out of him and he couldn't say what. He figured it was the fact that his First Officer was canoodling with a Romulan that tried to destroy his beloved Enterprise. Just what was Spock playing at anyway?

He decided to crash the party and try to find out. He approached the two of them and spoke in he most polite but cool tone he could manage, "I hope you've found your stay on the Enterprise so far to your liking."

"Surprisingly so, Captain Kirk. I have found certain members of your crew to be quite engaging." she replied, an almost challenging smile coming to her lips as she shot a look over to Spock.

Kirk was a little glad that Spock gave this no outward reaction, but it also frustrated Kirk since it told him nothing about how Spock truly felt about her or the situation. He could just trust that Spock was definitely too smart to actually be reeled into whatever she was surely plotting.

So if Spock was too smart to really be manipulated by her, then why was her attempt getting on his nerves this much? Grudgingly he admitted it would probably be something he would try himself if he were in her situation, so there was no reason for him to be feeling any of this. No reason...

Kirk realized he'd spaced out for a moment and then he replied with his own challenging smile, "I'm glad to hear that. I've told the crew to treat you with the upmost respect and I'm glad to see that's been the case."

He then shot his own look at Spock and he swore he saw something flash in his eyes this time. Was it...pain? Kirk couldn't be sure since the look was gone so fast he wasn't sure it was there in the first place.

Kirk's thoughts were broken again when the Romulan Commander spoke suddenly, "I have thoroughly studied the layout of the Enterprise through he ship's library and was pleased to learn that the ship has a holodeck. Quite an impressive one at that, if records can be trusted."

"Yes, it is true. Its actually a luxury that is afforded only to Starfleet's flagship." Kirk replied proudly, not resisting the urge to show off his ship.

Her eyes then turned to Spock with her reply, "Is that right? I would be most interested in seeing it, if that is possible."

This really irritated Kirk, but he was shocked when he heard Spock's response, "As I am not on duty at this time, I believe it would be possible to show it to you. If that is acceptable to you, Captain."

Spock's voice was downright aloof and polite, and that cut straight into Kirk. He wasn't going to deny that to himself…he liked that he had gotten the other to feel more comfortable around him over time when they weren't on duty, and for Spock to revert back to the way he was months before definitely hurt. Not that he would let that show on his face, especially in front of the Romulan Commander.

"Of course." he finally said with a nod, hoping that none of his feelings were betrayed on his face or in his eyes, "Enjoy yourselves. I will see you tomorrow on the bridge, Mr. Spock."

"Yes, sir." Spock replied with a nod before standing from the chair he was sitting in and waiting for the Romulan Commander to do the same.

Kirk watched the two of them leave the room and he tried his best to ignore the disconcerting jealousy that roiled in his gut as a result.


	4. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 4 **

**   
Chapter 4   
**

Spock walked quickly and stiffly toward the holodeck with the Romulan Commander in tow, trying to figure out what the looks that Kirk was giving him meant. He could easily tell that though his Captain was being very polite with her, he did not like her one bit. The reason behind this dislike was most puzzling, however.

He wondered if it was just a simple and illogical human prejudice, as she was Romulan and not so long ago, they faced Nero and his crew, who were also Romulan. He knew it couldn't be that simple though, as his Captain was quite a bit more complex than he gave himself credit for. Was it just the fact that Kirk did not like this woman talking to him?

If it could be believed that Kirk was not interested in Spock for a relationship, then there would be no logical basis for his dislike toward the Romulan Commander for having such this interest in him. Though Kirk was quite adamant in insisting his non-committal intensions toward Spock, his actions and words at times suggested otherwise.

It pained Spock that Kirk really didn't seem to know what he wanted, and how this kept giving him hopes that he felt were closer to being false with each passing day. He couldn't help that he wanted Jim with all of his heart and soul and body…he couldn't help the way that the other had completely enchanted him.

But he was beginning to feel as though his situation was likened to a piece of meat being dangled in front of a dog's nose. He could see what he wanted, he felt it every time the two of them touched, and yet it was never his. This knowledge was the worst of all.

"So, how is it that this holodeck works, Mr. Spock?" the Romulan Commander spoke finally, breaking his thoughts.

Spock saw that both of them had arrived at the holodeck, and that his deep thoughts had prevented him from realizing it. He stood further at attention at her question, and he replied, "We enter into the computer the type of environment we would like to visit, and using information stored in the computer banks, it will recreate this environment for us to the best of its ability, based on information it has available about that environment."

She then smiled in response and replied, "I have always found waterfalls to be some of nature's most precious gifts. Would it be possible for the holodeck to create an environment such as that?"

"Most certainly." Spock replied, keying the necessary codes into the computer to create this environment for her.

When the computer signaled it was done, Spock led the way inside the room. It was a terran rainforest kind of setting, and near the back of the room was a small, but indeed beautiful, waterfall. The holodeck was so convincing, he could feel the water vapor in the air and smell the dampness. He didn't fully appreciate the capabilities of the holodeck room until this moment.

"This holodeck does live up to my expectations." she finally said, seeming as though she really was enjoying herself.

Spock was glad that she at least was getting the optimal enjoyment out of the room. Though he was definitely commending the individual that created this wondrous invention, but his mind was understandably distracted from things such as this.

"I am glad to hear this." Spock replied finally in an even and almost disinterested tone, not looking a t her, instead fixing his eyes on the waterfall in front of him.

"Do you enjoy this scenery as well, Spock?" she asked him as she approached him, her voice now being tinged with something suggestive.

"It is a nice change from the way Vulcan...used to be." Spock was silent for a moment as he pushed down unwelcomed emotions that threatened to overwhelm him if they were given the chance to do so.

Though a considerable amount of time had passed since the destruction of Vulcan and the loss of his mother, the emotions were still formidable. He was able to cope up to this point only with Jim's help. Jim...it always came back to him.

"It is not surprising to hear that a desert planet was left wanting of this splendor." she said softly as she stepped near him, now also looking at the waterfall.

After standing together a few moments in silence, she then said, "Let us move closer to the water. It might be pleasant to feel it as well as look at it."

Spock said nothing, but he nodded, deciding that hers was a logical conclusion. Perhaps the proximity to the water would succeed in calming him where hours of meditation had failed. As the both of them observed the water cascading down perfectly into a small pool at the bottom, he felt the Romulan Commander stand yet closer to him.

Eventually, when he did not make a single move on his own, she lightly rubbed two fingers over the back of Spock's hand in a very slow and seductive motion that made a shiver travel up his arm. He hid this well though, and he turned to meet her eyes with a calm face, regarding her with an inquisitive look.

She moved boldly by taking a gentle hold of his hand and she softly said, "Move with me under the waterfall. You cannot say you have truly experienced its majesty without letting the water fall upon you and glide over your whole body."

Her eyes darkened with desire as she said it, every word dripping with very obvious suggestion. Even if Spock didn't look it, he was feeling a great deal of conflict over this. He knew what she wanted, and he wondered if he really could go through with it. It was not as though either of them were under the impression that this would amount to anything more, and, truthfully, he was still stinging from Kirk's rejection of his commitment, so he decided not stop this.

Though Spock did not often have casual relations, he just wanted to stop thinking about his Captain…his t'hy'la…whom he would never have. He let her lead him to stand under the waterfall, and he decided it was like stepping into an old terran shower, nothing like the sonic showers that were standard on the ship.

He took a deep breath and looked at her, keeping still as she moved closer to him, tilting her head up until her mouth was level with his ear, and she whispered in a low tone, "Can you feel the water cling to you, Spock? Can you feel it moving through your hair and over every muscle?"

She then raised a hand to run her fingers down the side of Spock's face in a long and passionate Vulcan kiss, and the sensation ran equally through the both of them at the motion. When he felt her lips softly come into contact with the bottom of his earlobe, he let his hands come up and rest at her waist, and he stood still to allow her to do as she wished.

Her lips then moved from his ear, down his cheek bone, and then finally to his lips. Spock was restraining most of his reactions, but he let his lips part with his slightly heavier breath to allow her to deepen the kiss. She took advantage of this opportunity and slid her tongue into his mouth, moving it over his in a very sensual way. Spock allowed her all of the control, just kissing back softly enough to show his willingness to participate.

The water made their hair and clothes stick to their bodies as they kissed, and she then moved her hands down his back, quickly hooking her hands under the bottom of both his uniform and under shirts, not wasting any time.

Giving him a very seductive smile, she said, "I wish to see you free of these garments provided to you by the humans. They are far too restrictive, in my opinion."

Spock said nothing, but he did move to make it easier for her to remove it. She seemed to then delight in rubbing her hands all over his bare chest, and Spock allowed himself to let out a small pleasured breath to leave his mouth as she did so. Her hands then rested on the hem of his uniform pants and she began to kiss her way down his chin and neck.

When the pants were also pushed down, she ran her hands up his hips and sides and kissed and licked at his chest. Finally, she stepped back and gave him a sexy smirk, and she began to disrobe herself, being careful to reveal her skin slowly and tantalizingly until she also was only in her undergarments.

"I am sure you have missed the company of women closer to your kind during your service in Starfleet. I assure you that I am nothing like any of those human women." she said in a low tone, every step she took closer to him careful and deliberate.

Spock readily admitted that this was an arousing situation, realizing only a fool would try to deny these feelings in himself, but he couldn't help but be disappointed by this deep down, since she wasn't his soul mate.

He took a breath and focused his mind on the task at hand. He would not and could not think about Jim in such a manner, since it was all a useless hope. One cannot simply wish something into being, he knew that better than anyone. Being lost in these thoughts for a moment, he didn't realize that she had gotten close to him again until she was pressing her nearly nude body against him.

She raised her mouth up to his ear again, and whispered huskily, "Touch my body, Spock."

She underlined her words by then running her tongue along his earlobe, and it was so sudden and unexpected, Spock couldn't help the shiver that coursed through him as a result. He rested his hands on her waist and then slid them up her sides, deciding her skin was warm…almost a little too warm.

Nothing like Jim's inviting and cool skin…he gasped when he felt her tongue push further into his ear and her hands slid down his back to grab his ass. He reminded himself that this was a distraction, and that thoughts of Jim had no place here. As if to challenge himself, he then moved his hands more deliberately over her back and began to disengage her brassiere as she now kissed her way down to one of his nipples, taking it into her mouth and running her tongue roughly over it.

Finally, she ran one of he hands over his arousal, and he couldn't help but make a small sound of approval at the action. Spock then put a finger under her chin to gently, but firmly, tilt her head up to meet her lips once again. Perhaps she wasn't Jim, but her attractiveness and talent in the activity could not be denied, and Spock decided that it would be best for him to let her do as she wished and try his best to enjoy it.

He then removed her top garment as they kissed, letting out a hot breath as she continued to stroke him. Now left only in their underwear, she began to walk the both of them closer to a large rock that was under the waterfall, and then leaned herself very invitingly over it.

The seductive smile was back on her face as she hooked her hands under the band of her underwear and slowly pushed them off of herself. She then held out a hand to beckon him closer.

"A Romulan woman is nothing like a human one." she practically purred at Spock when he complied with her, then beginning to push down the last article of clothing as she continued to speak, "We are not nearly as fragile and take much pride in our ability to handle our mens' full strength."

She raised an eyebrow at him and so challenged him to test her statement. Spock then leaned himself over her and kissed her deep, her skin rubbing against his in a delicious way with the coolness and wetness caused by the water on their bodies from the waterfall, and the water vapor that was ever present in the air.

He felt her bury her fingers in his hair and pull his body on top of hers, and he tried his best to settle himself on her in the most gentle way possible and this caused her to chuckle lightly.

"Please do not feel that you must treat me with care. I would much rather see you pushing me to my limits." She said in an amused and provocative way, but then her tone darkened considerably as she continued to speak, "Take me now, Spock."

Spock then looked at her and took a deep breath, his heart rate considerably elevated from this encounter, and his breath coming out in short pants. Though her request was a logical expectation from the chain of events, he felt a strange kind of anxiousness at the idea. He refused to consider the root of this feeling, however, because it was inevitably something to do with Jim, and he refused to entertain those thoughts at this time.

To dispel any further thought, he nodded and gracefully positioned himself above her, and then buried himself inside of her in a quick thrust. He found her face quite fascinating as he created a rhythm between them, and decided that this was pleasant. Her eyes burned with her desire and soon she was moving her hips against his to cause his thrusts to go deeper.

"Harder!" she practically commanded, and Spock easily complied.

With so much of their bodies in contact, Spock could feel what she needed, and he couldn't deny that he would like completion himself. Though this definitely wasn't like any time with Jim, where he could so easily lose control of himself, he felt himself approaching his orgasm quickly with her squeezing so tight around him. Wishing to please her, he moved inside of her fast and hard, and the deep groans and gasps he heard in response let him know he was on the right track.

Finally she was pushed over the edge with a loud cry and she took Spock with her as the amount of stimulation he was receiving was impossible to withstand. He held on to her as they gathered themselves, and he naturally recovered much quicker than her, due to his Vulcan training. And, he long acknowledged that Jim was the only person that could devastate him to a point where he would need a significant amount of recovery time.

He pushed that thought out of his mind as he felt an illogical stab of guilt. There was no reason that he could not enjoy others' company, especially due to his Captain's view of how their situation should be. When he felt as though she had recovered an acceptable amount, he carefully distanced himself and then worked on getting his wet clothes back on.

She did the same, but she carefully watched all of his movements as he dressed. Internally he felt a little embarrassed at her scrutiny, but he did not let this show as he said, "My shift is to start in twenty point four six minutes, and I would like to visit my quarters to change before that time. Please allow me to escort you back to your quarters as I make my way there."

She raised an eyebrow and then gave him a small knowing smile.

"That would be acceptable." She remarked when she was fully dressed in her also soaked clothes.

Before they made their way out of the waterfall pool, she put a hand on his chest and placed one more kiss on his lips, then meeting eyes with him for a moment before pulling fully away to move towards the entrance into the holodeck. The moment that the two of them exited the room, their clothes, hair, and bodies were back to being as dry as ever, as even the water in that room was a complex hologram, and once again, their tryst would be a secret from the rest of the ship.

As the two of them walked swiftly to her room, Spock pushed down the sense of guilt and wrongness he had of the whole situation. On reaching her door, he said quickly and politely, "I will be proceeding to my shift at this time. If there is anything you require, do not hesitate to contact me on the bridge."

"I will keep this in mind." she replied, her eyes as scrutinizing as ever.

Spock nodded and then quickly made his way to his quarters to change before his shift, hoping that seeing his Captain would not increase his guilt.


	5. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter 5**

**Chapter 5**

Kirk stepped out of his quarters a bit early, hoping that would allow him to avoid both Spock and the Romulan Commander on the way to the bridge, but he happened to catch both of the people he wanted to avoid the most. He made sure to stay out of their sight but he couldn't help but watch Spock closely.

He noticed the other was walking very stiffly next to the Commander, and he didn't know why, but he was certain that something had happened between that woman and Spock, and the idea sent a stab of hot jealousy straight to his gut. He decided that he should say nothing to Spock about this though, especially with all that he'd already put the other though.

He just had to grudgingly bear it until they dropped her off at the next Star Base, which thankfully would be arrived at within the week. He was counting the days off until then, and only then would he devote any more time thinking about what he should do to improve his relationship with Spock again. He figured the other needed some space, and he had to be willing to give him that, even if it bugged him like this.

When he was sure Spock had made it back to his quarters, only then Kirk continued down the hall to the lift that would take him to the bridge.

In some weeks, when the Romulan Commander had been moved off the ship and was set to await trial on Star Base ten, and the Enterprise Crew was slowly trying to return to normal operations, and this included Doctor McCoy getting people in for their required physicals. He considered it a personal triumph that he succeeded in getting Spock into his physical without too much badgering, so he'd figured that it was a good omen.

Boy, had that been wrong. Sure, the Vulcan was perfectly within range for vision, hearing, height, weight, strength, endurance, flexibility, and every other test... except for the one test he'd never thought he'd have to hound Spock over: blood pressure. He came back over after compiling all of the results.

"Spock," he said. "You exercise, you eat well, and your blood tests are clean. Now, I have a question for you: Why is your blood pressure higher than normal or healthy?"

"I do not believe I have been experiencing any additional stress outside of what my duties require, Doctor." Spock said, and McCoy could easily see him trying to sidestep the question, always wanting to keep his personal business close to the vest.

McCoy would have none of that, especially when his particularly stubborn patient's health was in the balance, "Not what I asked, Spock. I'll be damned for giving you this compliment, but you're the only guy on this ship outside of Medical that actually knows what's going on with his body. You have high blood pressure - I can attest that your diet and exercise are well within what's good for you and your blood is clean. So, I'll ask you again. Why the high blood pressure? Are you and Jim having some sort of spat?"

"Excuse me, Doctor?" Spock said, obviously not expecting the sudden question, his body stiffening and his voice getting aloof, which betrayed his true feelings of discomfort with this line of questioning.

"You and Jim used to get together - in more ways than one, I'd imagine - on a fairly regular basis, Spock. Now you avoid one another like the damned plague." McCoy said sarcastically, with an impatient eyebrow raised.

The tips of Spock's ears went green at McCoy's insinuation, but he didn't deny anything.

"What has happened...is strictly a personal problem between us. We have not let it interfere with our work." Spock said, still being stubborn to explain.

McCoy could tell that this conversation was about to turn as fun as a barrel of monkeys at the tone of Spock's voice and the almost expression he had on his face. The Doctor knew Spock had a hard time opening up to anyone but Kirk, and he saw that now since the Vulcan didn't have Jim around him so much anymore, he'd walled himself in even more thickly.

"But it's affecting your health, Spock," McCoy said.

He paused for a moment as he suddenly decided that he had to speak with Spock privately about this. He knew that high blood pressure was never good for any species, so he would have to get through that thick Vulcan skull about this or die trying, "Chapel, get Donaldson in and do his physical for me," he called, then motioned for Spock to step into his office.

Spock thankfully didn't argue with him, and when the office door closed them off from the rest of the ship, he still spoke stubbornly, "I do not know what to tell you since what happened is extremely personal in nature."

"I'm Jim's friend, Spock, and, more importantly, I'm his doctor. I know he can be an asshole at times. If you're having trouble with him, I'm willing to help. I'm going to venture a guess that this has something to do with that asshole part."

McCoy was sure he was starting to make some progress when Spock broke eye contact with him and down at the floor for a long moment. The doctor could see him struggling with trying to keep his personal problems private and wanting to share at the same time, so he stayed silent to see which side would win out. If Spock tried arguing with him some more, he would just declare him unfit for duty until he did tell. McCoy smiled internally and decided that in some cases, it was great to be a doctor.

"Jim and I...have had occasional relations, and I obviously misunderstood his wants and needs." Spock said with hesitation, but his eyes looked just a little sad as he let his shields down a bit.

McCoy's mouth almost dropped open in shock, and he gulped. Oh, boy. He never thought he'd be having this kind of conversation with Spock, of all people.

"What happened?" he asked gently.

From the look on Spock's face, he was sure that whatever had happened wasn't good, and after his wife had left him... Well, he knew something about getting turned out.

"I..." Spock's voice got a little more reluctant, his eyes showing his pain just a bit more, "I expressed my desire to deepen the relationship, but Jim...he informed me that no desire for anything more than we had up to that point. It was foolish of me to expect any other conclusion, given his past record in such matters."

"Oh, wow," the doctor said, running a hand through his hair, "That about tops the list."

When Spock gave him a curious look, McCoy let out an irritated sigh at Kirk and said bluntly, "Jim's being an ass, Spock. And not only that, believe it or not, he's being an idiot."

Spock seemed to consider the doctor's words carefully, but he had a tone of resignation when he spoke again, "Whether he is being an 'idiot' or not, it is useless for me to pursue something that is unwanted by him, no matter how much I…wish otherwise."

McCoy paused for a moment as so me pieces fell into place. "That's what was going on with the Romulan Commander, wasn't it?" he asked, softly.

Spock now didn't dare look at the Doctor as he continued speaking in a very quiet tone, "She gave me the attention I craved, but she wasn't who I wanted. Not my t'hy'la."

"Hey," Bones said as gently as he could manage. It'd taken him a lot of time to really understand Spock, but now he felt like he was getting there, and he knew that though they had their continual differences, he had no choice but to admit that he considered the other a good friend.

"There's no shame in trying to take your mind off of it, Spock," he assured the Vulcan after another moment of silence, "Look... I can't tell you how to approach this, because I'm not you, but you need to find some way to come to terms with this. If there's anything at all I can do to help you with that, just say the word and I'll do it."

Bones looked at Spock seriously. He could easily tell how he would be dealing with this problem himself - he'd apply for a transfer and get away from Jim as soon as he could - but he wasn't about to tell Spock how to live his life.

"You can do nothing. I can only work to forget." the doctor could tell that Spock was trying to keep himself together in this situation, but he wasn't so sure the Vulcan was managing it all that well.

"My door's always open if you need someone to talk to. And if you want me to work Jim extra hard on his physical..." he said, only halfway teasing. Though the Vulcan had the propensity to be an unemotional bastard most of the time, even he didn't deserve this. McCoy was sure it would take him a lot of self-control to avoid just smacking the Captain upside the head for this one.

"Thank you." Spock replied, and it sounded as though he really meant it, "And please do not harass the Captain. It would do neither of us much good if he is forced into something he does not want."

"Alright. If you're sure you don't want me to, I won't," he agreed, albeit almost reluctantly. He placed a friendly hand on Spock's shoulder and added, "Though... I will say this. If Fate owes anyone a favor, it's gotta be you. Things will work out, somehow."

Spock nodded, a thankful look coming to his eyes. As Spock stepped out of the office, McCoy hoped that this situation would be resolved without the First Officer losing yet another important person in his life.

Kirk tried to take his mind off of the fact that he and Spock were no longer speaking outside of interactions on the bridge, and it was eating him alive. He didn't know what he wanted, but he certainly didn't want any of this. He didn't want Spock hurting or wanting more than he could give...didn't want to see that pain in his eyes when the other forgot to guard himself and his emotions closely, and really, he could only forget the pain he'd caused the other with a drink…which seemed to be his last resorted to coping mechanism.

So he naturally got himself in touch with the ship's best unofficial bartender, and best friend, Bones. He missed evenings with the other, since official ship business seemed to get in the way of that ritual of theirs more than he liked. He was glad now that he and the other were seated in his quarters having some nice, and probably illegal, alcohol that the other brought with him.

They just drank silently for a few minutes, when Bones finally spoke, "God, Jim, you're such an asshole," he said, simply.

Kirk decided to take this as a joke and so he tilted his head curiously at the other, and with an eyebrow raised he said in a playful yet curious tone, "Yes...and?"

When Bones said nothing and just crossed his arms, he knew that the other was actually being serious, so then the tiny smirk melted off his face and he said, "What is it?"

"...I shouldn't be telling you this," Bones began. "But when I did Spock's physical... Well, he's been stressed out lately."

"What do you mean?" Kirk was now concerned.

He knew Bones usually had a reason to get on his case about his health and his diet, but Spock? He was too proper and conscientious to not be of the best health possible. It had to be serious if Bones wanted to talk to him about it like this.

"Jim, you know Spock, even better than I do. The man eats well, exercises more than regularly, and his blood tests were completely clean, as usual. Stress is the only real option left, and...Well, Jim , he told me about what happened between you guys - after some badgering."

Kirk suddenly got a rush of guilt in the pit of his stomach and his face reddened slightly when he heard this, "He did?"

"Yeah. Jim, he's really torn up over it. I don't know, you two need to figure out some way to deal with this. That Romulan Commander was a brief distraction for him, but you guys need a permanent solution."

Kirk couldn't help the jealousy that boiled up in him when the Romulan Commander was mentioned. He didn't want that woman coming anywhere near Spock. But then the guilt was right back again, because it was his fault that Spock was caused all of this anguish that was causing him to look for distraction in other people and for his health to be worsened.

"I...I don't know what to tell you, Bones. I don't do relationships." Kirk finally said, giving McCoy a helpless look.

"Look, Jim, I know you. You want to keep Spock around, at least as a friend, don't you?" Bones asked.

"Of course I want that, Bones, but Spock has made it clear that he needs more. He needs something more than I think I can give him." Kirk said, shaking his head, feeling even more guilt.

Why did he feel this much guilt over the situation if everything really was out of his power anyway?

"Then you need to talk with him like an adult, or you're going to lose him completely. Jim, I thought my problems with Karen were out of my power, but... God, I wish I'd just talked to her. And you will, too."

Kirk couldn't help but look at his friend sympathetically, never hearing Bones talk about his ex-wife in a non-sarcastic manner. He never knew that Bones might have really wanted to stay with her if he had the chance, and to know this about his friend really let him see another side of him.

He didn't want to end up feeling like this over Spock...even if he wasn't sure right now that he wanted to take the plunge with the half-Vulcan. Spock was one of his closest friends, and that was something he was sure he couldn't lose, if his misery over the last few weeks had told him anything.

Bones looked at Kirk. "Jim... I don't want you to spend the rest of your life regretting this, so... Think, _carefully_, before you go talk to Spock."

Kirk was quiet for a long moment before he nodded. Bones was right, he did have to talk to Spock again, and seriously this time. This all wasn't worth losing his friend over. And maybe...just maybe, he could stand to have more. He just had to be willing to make the next step.

Bones just watched Kirk thinking for a minute as he finished his drink and he said, "Good luck, Jim..."


	6. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 6 **

**   
Chapter 6   
**

After weeks of trying to deal with the fact that Kirk would never really want him the same way that he did, Spock realized that the whole endeavor was entirely fruitless as he was the Captain's First Officer and so was required to be around the other constantly.

It was just a constant reminder of what would never be his, and, as Doctor McCoy had pointed out, it was starting to affect his health negatively, not to mention that he was in almost constant anguish over it most of the time.

He decided that his last resort, his only recourse, would be to request a transfer off of the Enterprise. He didn't want to leave the best ship in the fleet, but what choice did he really have? He knew he couldn't go on like this forever. He had to move on, no matter how much it killed him.

With this in mind, he stopped by Kirk's quarters one evening to discuss this with him, not wanting to spring the idea on him without any sort of warning. He hoped he wouldn't lose his nerve on telling Kirk though, since he knew this would be difficult for both of them.

Kirk let Spock in when he buzzed at the door. The Captain seemed to immediately notice something was wrong, so he frowned and asked, "Spock? What's up?"

"I must speak with you urgently about something." Spock said softly, trying to steel himself with what he wanted to say, not looking into Kirk's eyes because whether Kirk meant to or not, those eyes always melted his heart and made him completely helpless.

Kirk nodded to him and stepped aside to allow him inside.

"Sure," he said, eyeing him just a little suspiciously, "Spock, are you alright?"

Spock took a breath and ignored the question, knowing it would help nothing to admit just how not alright he was, and he continued, "I believe I have no choice but to request a transfer off of this ship as soon as is possible."

"A transfer?" Kirk asked, his eyebrows scrunched up in surprise, "Spock, why?"

Spock was now staring resolutely at the floor as he replied, his face going tight with emotion, "I have tried to forget, I have tried to move on, but no one else will be my t'hy'la. No one else can be you. I cannot go on tormenting myself this way, seeing you day after day."

"Spock... You can't..." Kirk said in shock, "You can't just leave."

Spock didn't dare look at Kirk, knowing he wouldn't be able to stand the disappointed expression that would be on his face, and he shook his head, saying, "I must. If we are at an impasse, I must. "

"Spock..." Kirk looked as though there was so much he wanted to say, but he just wasnt sure how to say it.

When Kirk was silent for a long moment, Spock pushed on with what he needed to say, "I wished to inform you of my intent before I officially went through with it, since I did not want you to take offense from my choice."

"I... see..." Kirk said, sounding too shocked to be reacting properly, "Thank you for thinking to tell me... I'll miss you, you know."

"I will also miss you, t'hy'la." Spock's voice got even more quiet, and he couldn't help some of his pain leaking into his tone.

"Then... Then don't go..." Kirk said, his voice cracking just a bit with a hope that cut straight into Spocks heart.

He might have been a hair's breath away from crying, that is, if he were fully human, and his voice quivered slightly in his reply, "Jim, I...I can't stay."

"You can... You have to, Spock... We can find some way to make this work." Kirk finally said in determination, not wanting to give up that easy.

Spock swore he felt his chest constrict as he tried and failed miserably in keeping his voice even, "Please understand. I want you...more than I've ever wanted anything, but it is not to be, Jim. We do not agree."

"There's got to be some way..." Kirk tried again, not willing to drop it, and Spock should have known that Kirk would never give up if he wanted something.

Spock really did admire Kirks determination at most times, even when he didnt agree, but in this case, it was all he could do not to break down and bend to what Kirk wanted, since usually his Captain was always his first priority. This time though, he had to think of himself for once. As much as he wanted to be near to the other, he couldnt live like this anymore. He couldnt.

"I have meditated on this for many hours and days, Jim. I have come up with no suitable solution." Spock said, a strange pain building inside of him.

He couldn't focus enough to pinpoint the cause of the pain, but he felt it was safe to assume that it was the subject of this conversation that was causing it.

"I can't let you leave, Spock," Kirk said, shaking his head fervently.

"Then what do you want from me?" Spock asked, his tone almost begging now, sure that he was on the verge of some sort of emotional breakdown.

His thyla wanted him to staybut this is one wish he could not grant him if he wanted to survive. His agony would eat him alive if he didnt do this.

"I..." Kirk hesitated. "Spock, I can't just let you leave... I need you here."

Spock was so torn at this point and he struggled to come up with a reply, but suddenly all he could feel was pain. And it wasn't just emotional pain. It was physical and it overwhelmed him to the point that he could no longer stand.

He fell to his knees and grabbed his stomach where the pain seemed to originate as he wondered what was happening, stuttering, "J-Jim I-"

The next thing he knew, he was coughing blood and could no longer speak.

"Spock!" Kirk gasped. "Kirk to sickbay. Bones, get down here!" he said quickly into the comm before bending at Spock's side.


	7. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 7 **

**   
Chapter 7   
**

Spock was rushed into surgery immediately after being brought to sickbay, and since the Enterprise was not on an important mission at the time being, Kirk stayed with him the whole time. He was worried sick and it was obvious with the silent way he sat there with the troubled look on his face.

When McCoy finally entered the area he was waiting, Kirk quickly stood up from where he was sitting and approached the doctor quickly, "What is it, Bones? What happened to him?"

"...Do you want the medical details, or do you want the layman's version?" McCoy asked. "Neither sounds pretty."

Kirk narrowed his eyes in annoyance and said, "Just tell me what's happened to my First Officer!"

Kirk noticed that he got snappy when he was worried and under stress, and this situation definitely went under both of those categories.

"He had an ulcer," McCoy said in irritation, "It ended up perforating his stomach, causing intensified bleeding, not to mention it spilt his stomach's contents into the body cavity," he explained. "His stomach's in one piece, but there's still a good chance that he'll get an infection..."

Kirk looked at him like he was crazy. This can't be, his First Officer was always fit as a fiddle...what was he doing with a stomach ulcer this serious?

"But, how did this happen? I thought he was in good health." Kirk said, not wanting to believe him.

"He probably picked up the bacteria last time we were planetside," McCoy said. "After all, you've got more bacteria in your body than you'd think. But all the stress he's been under recently probably weakened his immune system, so the bacteria could form an ulcer, and then the stress also exacerbated it."

"What do you mean, 'stress'? If duty on the Enterprise was enough to cause this, wouldn't more of us have ulcers? And Spock, for him, work is relaxing." Kirk argued, still having trouble wrapping his mind around all this.

"You, Jim." McCoy said, rolling his eyes in absolute impatience and putting his hands on his hips.

"...me?" Kirk said, unable to really sound that surprised, given the conversation he and Spock were having right before he started coughing up blood.

"I told you; he's been stressed out over what's been going on with you. I'm not going to pretend I know how it escalated to this point, but I bet you do."

Kirk broke eye contact with McCoy at this point, now feeling like possibly the worst, cruelest human being alive. Spock was obviously so torn up over their situation, and Kirk still wanted him to stay for his own selfish needs.

But he couldn't let him go, he just couldn't. Something in him wanted Spock to stay and never go, and that scared him the most. Now he knew that what he'd been trying to avoid his whole adult life had happened right under his nose. Right under his cocky, selfish, and definitely unworthy nose.

He knew then that he loved Spock. He really loved him. He knew he loved him enough to die for him, and this was why the thought Spock separating the two of them by his own choice killed him. He knew this now, and he felt like such a moron, for things to have come to this, just for the truth to come to light.

"Jim...when the two of you talk, you need a final, definitive answer for him," McCoy tried to help after letting out a frustrated breath, "And whatever that answer is, you need to let him do whatever's going to help him. If he wakes up."

A determined light came into Kirk's eyes, and he replied, "_When_ he wakes up, I'm finally going to tell him how I feel. God, I've been such an idiot, Bones. I've strung him along and I've hurt him, just to figure out that it was all for nothing. I thinkId be willing to try for him."

Kirk almost wished that Bones would punch him in the face, because he knew he deserved it. He put Spock' s life in danger over this, when it really was more simple than he'd ever thought. And after all of this, he was ready to accept the fact that Spock might not want him or to be with him anymore.

_Maybe that Romulan Commander would treat him far better than I ever did..._Kirk thought in misery.

Bones' eyes softened, seeming to realize how Kirk was struggling over his guilt, "Then that's what you tell him, Jim. Because no one can replace you for him."

"I'll tell him...but he's not going to want me. I know I wouldn't. I sorta don't even want me right now." Kirk said, shaking his head and plopping back down in the seat he was waiting in before McCoy came to speak with him.

McCoy sat down next to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Jim, he'll want you. That's the thing that makes Spock... well, Spock. You know as well as I do, he looks past the faults of a person. He loves you, Jim, and that's not gonna change anytime soon."

Kirk wouldn't look back at McCoy as he replied, "I hope you're right. I've fucked up before, but I never felt guilty about it, not really...but now...I feel like it' s almost beyond repair."

Relationships are never beyond repair if youre determined to fix them, Bones said, trying to give his friend confidence, Just talk to him. Believe me, he loves you more than he can handle.

Kirk didnt say anything, still not looking at McCoy. Finally he just nodded, hoping for the best.

In the days that followed, Kirk had to return to his duties, even if he wasnt in the mood for it at all. He just wanted to stay by Spocks side until he was sure the other was alright, but his duty to Starfleet simply couldnt be ignored since everyone depended on him to captain this ship.

This was clearly his fault, no matter which way he tried to look at the situation. No matter how much he tried not to think of the situation and concentrate specifically on his duties, his guilt always bubbled up inside of him, and Spock was never far from his thoughts.

He constantly asked Bones to update him on Spocks condition, often visiting the half Vulcan in sickbay when he wasnt on duty, and calling Bones from the bridge when he was. He was surprised that the doctor hadnt lost all patience with him by now, but it seemed as though the other understood.

In his life, there was never one person he felt so concerned over, not counting his brother and his mother, and now his feelings for Spock, along with his formidable guilt, swept over him with no way to stop it. How ironic it was for him to come to the realization that he loved someone this way for the first time only after he more than likely destroyed all chance for that person to keep loving him back.

Slowly Kirk withdrew from interacting much with the other members of his crew out of their jobs, and this made his friends really worried about him. And McCoy, even if he knew what had put Kirk in this mood was starting to get concerned, because there wasnt anything that could really keep Kirk from bouncing back before. This was the first time he had seen the other so depressed for so long.

Kirk was really glad for his friends caring about him, but he knew that maybe he had something coming like this for a long time, since Karma was a complete bitch. Maybe painful realization of this kind was a part of growing up, which also was probably a long time in coming as well. Whatever the case may be, he just had to pull through until Spock got better and finally really apologize to him.

In the times he sat with Spock, most of the visits consisted of him willing the other to get better and silent apologies for getting him into this situation in the first place. He wished that there was something he could do to hasten the others recovery, but he knew that Bones was doing everything for him that was possible.

One night, when Bones was just finishing his shift, Kirk came by to visit Spock again. Sadly, the doctor had nothing to update Kirk with, as Spocks condition showed no change. Kirk took his usual seat by the other when he visited him and he let out a melancholy sigh.

If the past days he spent at Spock's bedside taught him anything, it was that spending time with the other would just cause him undue frustration, since there was absolutely nothing he could do to help speed the others recovery. This time, he decided not to torture himself over his helplessness in this situation, and with his guilt of causing this to happen to Spock.

He just reached out to tenderly touch the other's hand, and he spoke in a tone of soft determination, "Youre going to get better, you hear me Spock? I need you working beside me on this ship, so...just come back to me. Come back."

With that, Kirk let out a sigh and then got up, deciding to just return straight to his quarters. He knew that he was definitely in for another sleepless night.


	8. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter 8**

**Chapter 8**

On some more days passing, Starfleet Command contacted the Enterprise of a new diplomatic mission being put under their care. They were informed that the chance for Federation membership was being extended to a fairly newly discovered planet, Uhin III. The dominant species on the planet, the U'Shonenet, was humanoid, and Kirk was thankful for this.

Especially with him struggling to keep his mind off Spock and his condition and on his work, he didn't need the extra worry of figuring out how to communicate with a strange alien on top of all of that. And he figured that this would be an easy enough mission, since all he had to do was extend the membership to them, and assure them that their compliance in the alliance would grant them protection from other hostile empires through Starfleet.

It seemed like a deal that the small, far out planet couldn't refuse, so Kirk planned to get this done as fast as possible. He also saw no foreseeable trouble with the U'Shonenet either, as the sparse information provided to him about them implied that they were a friendly people.

Though he would not understand their language, he would be taking a universal translation device with him to deal with this problem. He figured that two people on security detail with him on the landing party would suffice, and so he briefed two men on his security team on the mission before they were to beam down to the agreed upon place.

Gathering with the security men in the transporter room, nodding to them as they took their places on the transporter pad, and then he looked to Scotty, saying, "Alright, Scotty. Beam us down. There should be no worry, but if don't check in within five hours, beam down with reinforcement."

"Aye, sir." Scotty said with a nod, then started the transporter.

As he beamed down, he felt the familiar feeling of weightlessness that he wasn't sure he'd ever really get used to. It was exhilarating in a strange way, always making him feel as though he was flying through a kind of nothingness, only to be pulled back to reality when he rematerialized.

He found a small group of the U'Shonenet waiting for them as was agreed and he greeted the person that stood in front of the group, assuming that this one was the leader.

"I am Captain James Kirk and these are two members of my crew on the Enterprise." Kirk said, nodding toward the leader, who was smiling at him.

"G'mut teut t'nah, Kirk nuet." The leader replied with a nod.

Kirk blinked at the man, but then quickly realized that his universal translator wasn't on. Smiling sheepishly, he switched it on and asked him to repeat what he said.

"Captain Kirk. We receive you well." The translator rattled to him, and then he smiled politely to the leader in response.

Kirk then decided to turn the charm on because the whole idea of this mission was to get this planet to accept the Federation membership being extended to them, so he'd better do his best to play the part he was given.

With this in mind, he then gave the leader his most winning smile and said, "Well, shall we?"

The leader gave a deep nod and then led the three of them over to the council chambers to discuss the agreement. On arrival to the building, Kirk noticed a very striking woman sitting at the table they were to conduct the talks at, and he instinctively smirked at her. The day that James T. Kirk does not smile at a pretty lady would more than likely be the end of the world.

She gave him a tiny smile in return and her face grew slightly more red. Kirk was a little pleased to learn that he would be sitting next to her during the proceedings, wishing that this pretty face was enough to bring him out of the depression he'd felt the whole time Spock had been in sickbay.

"If I might inquire…who is this lovely lady?" he asked the leader, then turning partly toward the girl and smiling again.

"She is my daugher, J'hani'su. She will be the proprietor of our treaty with the Federation."

Kirk just smiled politely at that, but the whole thing confused him. Just what did the leader mean by that? Kirk decided that the translator was probably being a little wonky, so he ignored this strange translation it gave him, and took it to mean that she was going to help during the discussion they were about to carry out in some way.

Once the other council leaders joined them and were seated comfortably, the leader then told Kirk, "It is tradition that we imbibe food and drink during communication with guests in our home. We intend to do so with you, Captain Kirk."

Kirk nodded and said, "By all means."

The dinner and talks seemed to proceed without a hitch, the leader speaking of the benefits Federation membership would bring the planet and vice versa as well. Truth be told, Kirk wasn't really listening to most of what was being said, diplomatic proceedings never much having the ability to keep his attention for long.

He just agreed with the leader when it seemed appropriate, and tried to keep a neutral expression on his face the whole time, so it wouldn't be obvious that he wasn't really listening. Instead, thoughts of how Spock was doing on the ship and the pretty girl sitting next to him swirled in his head.

He found it curious that she didn't seem to be helping with proceedings of the discussion much at all, being very silent, and looking quite shy every time he met eyes with her. This was really strange since the leader mentioned her to be the "proprietor" of the treaty between them and all. Maybe the leader had just said this to be nice, but something didn't sit right about any of this, he could feel it.

Once dinner was over, Kirk assumed his job was done, but before he could get up to leave, and consider this talk a success in diplomacy between the Federation and Uhin III all thanks to him, suddenly everyone was looking at him. He didn't often feel uncomfortable when all the attention in a room was focused on him, but that was when he knew why everyone was staring at him.

Now he felt like shifting uncomfortably under everyone's gazes, wondering just what he did wrong. He knew he'd have less to worry about if Spock was here, knowing the half Vulcan was always able to keep them out of pinches that they were bound to get into as a result of culture clashes, but now he was alone, since his security guards were of little help in this situation.

The leader finally spoke, "Now it is the time to understand if you will bind the Federation with Uhin III as according to our most sacred traditions. If you cannot, it is time for you to voice your concern."

Now Kirk was at a complete loss. Didn't they already do this with the dinner and the talk? He wasn't sure what they meant by 'sacred traditions,' but he figured that it must be some sort of ritual they like to do, since he had known other cultures to be attached to their traditions of old, even if they had progressed considerably since those times.

This matter was so close to being done and finished, so Kirk especially didn't want the mission to go down the tubes at this point. So what if he had to participate in some strange custom of theirs? It probably would be fine. He just hoped that they wouldn't make him put on some strange outfit or wear a stupid hat. All diplomatic missions Starfleet sent them on were recorded, and he sure didn't want the higher ups to see him like that. And, he especially wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible, so that he could get back to the ship and then go to check on how Spock was doing.

Realizing he was silent for a long moment as all this went through his head, he decided not to worry and just to go with it, finally giving the leader a smile and saying, "Yeah, I'm ready to join our sides. So…what do I have to do?"

The leader seemed really happy at Kirk's consent to follow their traditions, and when Kirk glanced over to his daughter, he was surprised to see her looking at the floor and her face was completely flushed.

Kirk's eyebrows scrunched in confusion, wondering why she seemed this apprehensive, especially when the talks between their planet and the Federation went so well, but he didn't have much time to process this as the leader gave Kirk a ceremonial looking bow and said, "Please follow after me."

He noticed that the other planet officials stayed behind in the council chamber and it was only he, the leader, and the leader's daughter that were apparently going to be a part of this, and this made a red flag go up in his head. Why wouldn't the important planet officials be coming for such an important ceremony?

He was about to ask them this, but they had arrived to a small room. More red flags were going up as he realized that he seemed to be led to a more private room in the building. None of this was right, he realized, as the small room they walked into was quite obviously a bedroom. There was little else in the room except for a small dresser with what appeared to be some aromatic oils on top of it and the large bed in the center.

His eyebrows went up in absolute shock as he looked around the room, and he attempted to sputter how he thought there was a mistake in what he communicated, but they appeared not to be listening.

The leader gave him a deep ceremonial looking bow and said, "We welcome you to our planet and into our home, Captain James Kirk of the Federation. May you find joy in this joining."

Kirk was completely speechless as the man said this to him, and with that the leader whisked out of the room, leaving him alone with his daughter. Now, on examining her, she looked extremely anxious and nervous, and she was blushing so incredibly red. Kirk also began to blush as it finally came to him what they were expecting him to do here. There was no way could he do this!

"Captain Kirk." she finally said, giving him a very shy look and smile, "I will prepare for the coupling in the next room, and then I will rejoin you. Please wait here."

"Wai- " Kirk tried to stop her before she left, but she was gone before he could say anything.

He made a noise of frustration, and ran a hand through his hair. He needed to figure out what he agreed to exactly and then how to get out of it. He also kicked himself at this point, knowing that none of this would have happened if Spock was here. Spock…that was another reason he couldn't do this.

Maybe a few months ago, he would have had less qualms about doing this but now…he couldn't even dream of it, no matter how pretty this girl was. He quickly flipped open his communicator to ask for help, since he knew he couldn't do this alone.

"Kirk to bridge."

"Bridge here. Uhura speaking."

Oh, great. She was definitely going to have a field day with this one, but since she was the ship expert on languages, she would definitely be the person to ask about this.

"Uhura, I need you to go over the recording the universal translator had taken of my conversation with them for the last five or ten minutes. I need to know your personal interpretation of what they said, since I'm not certain the translator was literal enough in the translation it gave me."

Her voice turned dry as she answered, "Are you in trouble, sir?"

"We'll see how bad the trouble is when you go through the translation. Kirk out."

He quickly hung up the communicator and just paced around the room. He hoped the girl would take a while 'preparing' since he definitely was up shit creek without a paddle at this point.

After a few minutes, his comm beeped again, and he hurriedly answered it, "Kirk here. What did you find out?"

It sounded as though Uhura was really trying not to laugh, and he might have heard a few chuckles in the background as she answered, "Well, sir…it appears you agreed to a more…_physical_ joining than you'd thought."

Kirk sounded irritated as he replied, "Obviously, as I'm standing in a bedroom right now, I've already figured that out. Was there anything else I should know?"

Now Kirk was certain that he heard Sulu and Chekov laughing in the background now and even Uhura's voice quivered as she continued, "And, well…it seems you're expected to impregnate her with a child to represent the union between Uhin III and the Federation."

Kirk's mouth dropped open, "WHAT? You can't be serious!"

"That's the best translation I can offer with the information you've given me, sir."

Kirk ran another hand through his hair. He managed to fuck up again, in more ways than one. It seemed as though he was getting better at that. This was one time he actually was completely happy with following Federation rules on diplomatic proceedings, since that didn't require him to screw a girl he'd just met, _especially_ since he was trying to change for Spock.

Finally he spoke with clear irritation, "Well, don't just stand there, I need you to beam down immediately to help me get out of this mess!"

"You want me to beam down? What can I do to - " she spoke in surprise, since it wasn't customary for her to beam down most missions.

"I don't know, but you're going to help me since you properly translated whatever they said to me. I'm not sure I'm going to make much headway by myself." Kirk grudgingly admitted, "Just use my communicator for your beam down coordinates. Kirk out."

Within another couple minutes, Kirk saw Uhura shimmering into view next to him, and then when she'd completely materialized, he said extremely dryly, "You realize that anything you say and do right now will never leave this room."

She couldn't help but smirk in amusement on her reply, "Captain, it's a little late for that, since everyone on the bridge already heard you."

Kirk made another noise in frustration, and decided to worry about damage control at another time. Right now, he had to make it clear to the girl and her father that there would be no baby making happening on his part today.

"Okay, we'll wait for her to come back and then we both need to talk to her. We'll probably have to bring her father into this conversation eventually since he's the council leader too." Kirk said, still pacing a little since he was extremely stressed and nervous.

At this time, the leader's daughter reentered the room, and shock was painted all over her face as her eyes settled on Uhura. Kirk noticed that she had on a dark velvet robe that she had let hang open slightly as she entered the room, offering him a tantalizing view of a very sexy outfit. Geez, these people seemed to know what they were doing.

He shook his head to get his thoughts back in order as she held the robe closed tightly and she said in confusion, "Who is this person? It is not customary for any one else to be present during the union."

"Ahh, well…I think we need to talk." Kirk said awkwardly, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder, but taking it back before he could, deciding that he didn't want to give her any more mixed signals than he already had, not wanting things to get even worse, and for this to turn into a diplomatic incident.

He looked over to Uhura for assistance, and she shook her head, barely resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she added, "Our Captain here misunderstood what would be required of him in…your union."

J'hani'su looked between Uhura and himself for a moment, seeming to get more confused, and she said in worry, "But James Kirk agreed to follow our sacred tradition. Once the time has passed to voice a concern, the contract is binding."

Kirk kicked himself again. Yes, he surely was better at fucking up than he'd ever imagined.

"I didn't know that I was agreeing to this."

A slightly hurt expression crossed her face as he said this, and he realized that he'd messed up once again by inadvertently hurting her feelings.

"You seem like a really nice girl, and I'd really like to do this. I just…can't." he quickly added so he wouldn't feel that he just found her much too undesirable to let things move along, since it really was quite the opposite.

The girl looked between the both of them again and seemed to come to some sort of conclusion as she said, "Is this because this woman is your mate and it is she that is voicing an objection to the union?"

Uhura's eyebrows went up in shock and in the moment she was unable to say anything, Kirk jumped on this opportunity to get out of this situation quick, "Yeah, she's my mate, and she doesn't agree to this at all."

Then Kirk decided to have a little fun with this, since it wasn't often that he got to have a little fun at Uhura's expense, so he added with a tiny smirk, "She's just feeling jealous since we mate frequently and I don't usually mate with anyone else."

Uhura raised an eyebrow at Kirk and sent a thinly veiled glare in his direction and said, "I couldn't very well let my _mate_ make an uninformed decision."

Though, she said 'mate' like she was referring to a particularly nasty bit of slime.

"Do not be concerned, mate of James Kirk. He will not be required to stay once the union is complete. His responsibility to us will end at that time, but he would be remembered always as the proprietor of this important joining of our people." she said with a nod, most likely believing that she had come to the heart of the problem.

Uhura obviously bristled at being called 'mate of James Kirk,' but she made no comment about that as she replied smartly, "Other than his responsibilities to me, he would still be unable to fulfill his end of this treaty."

"What else would prevent him?" J'hani'su asked, getting concerned again when she saw that the problem was not solved yet.

Then a smirk came to Uhura's face as she said, "Oh, he's impotent. Definitely can't get anyone pregnant, so he'd be a bad person to make this treaty with, given your requirements."

Now it was Kirk's turn to glare at her, but he supposed that he had it coming. Oh well, things were fun while they lasted.

Giving Uhura a sarcastic look, he then turned to the girl and said, "I certainly don't want to let your people down with my own…short coming."

J'hani'su seemed at a complete loss now, not sure how to approach this problem, "I have never heard of an instance where one party is unable to hold up their promise to join. I require council with my father to come up with a solution for this matter. Please wait here."

When J'hani'su left the room, Uhura turned and fixed him with an intense glare, speaking in an extremely aghast tone, "I'm your_mate_?"

A smirk came to Kirk's face and he said, "Hey, as long as I'm impotent, you get to be my mate. Unless, you know…you'd like for me to prove you wrong on that account."

She rolled her eyes as if to say 'this is _not_ the time,' and spoke in irritation, "You'll never change. Not even after what you've done to Spock."

On speaking the words, she looked a little hesitant, realizing that perhaps she'd let a little more slip than she should have, especially since they were on a mission together, and not speaking privately on the ship. Kirk was hurt when she said that, but he decided he probably deserved it, since she didn't say anything but the truth.

With all of the teasing gone from his face and voice, Kirk let out a sigh and said, "No, you're right. I have been an asshole to Spock."

Uhura looked at him in silent surprise, but waited for him to continue speaking, unable to believe that Kirk was actually owning up to something he did for once.

"I've slept with a lot of people, and done little else than that as far as relationships go, I know that." Kirk continued bitterly, wishing that he'd changed before Spock came along, so that he wouldn't have put the other through the pain he had, "And then…when Spock sprung his feelings on me, I didn't know what to do. I admit that the idea of a commitment freaked me out."

Letting out another sigh, he said shamefully, "When the two of you broke up and Spock and I started something, I thought it would just stay friends with benefits. I thought that'd be the best way to maintain our command and to stay out of the sticky relationship stuff. But then, it all happened. And why wouldn't it? We had more closeness than I ever had with any one else I slept with, and I just kept denying it because I was afraid. And then…and then I caused him all this pain because I was an idiot."

He wouldn't even look at her, just glaring at the floor, so ashamed of himself for being so immature. She then softly cleared her throat to get his attention and she said in hesitation, "Captain…Jim. I've seen that over the time that Spock was in sickbay, you've not been yourself, and I can see now that you regret much more than just the situation turning out like this. I'm sorry I thought you to be so careless."

"But you're right. I was careless. I was purposefully oblivious. And now…it's probably too late for me to change things. Spock's not going to want me back. Who would want someone back that caused them enough stress to literally put them in the hospital?" Kirk wanted to kick something, preferably himself, but he held himself back, trying to keep himself together since they were currently on a mission.

"Hey…" Uhura's voice turned just a little apologetic, and she said, "Spock's a fighter. I know he'll be alright. And really…I'm sorry for thinking so little of you."

"I deserved it. But, when he wakes up, I'm not going to be like that anymore. I have to be better than that." Kirk said, sounding determined.

"I think you'll be able to do it." Uhura said, patting him lightly on the shoulder in a demonstration of confidence.

Kirk smiled a little sadly at her for a moment, glad that he finally succeeded in really clearing the air between them, and then he looked down at the floor again. Suddenly the leader, his two security guys, and the daughter returned to the room, and the leader was looking rather confused.

"James Kirk, I was under the impression that you fully understood our tradition and were able to uphold the joining from the end of the Federation."

"I'm sorry, but I didn't fully understand. But I don't want our negotiations to fall apart just because of this. I'd like to find another way for the Federation to uphold our side of the union." Kirk said sheepishly, trying to show that he was still going to try his best smooth this whole thing over, even after all this happened.

The security team came over and regarded Uhura in confusion, wondering what she was doing there, and while the leader and the daughter spoke in the corner of the room, trying to decide amongst themselves what they should do to solve this situation on their side.

Kirk tried explaining quickly to the security team what had happened, when the leader and the daughter approached them again.

The leader spoke somberly, "We will allow you to provide us with a replacement in your place who can fully perform in the capacity that we require, since we do not want to abandon this union either."

Kirk had to think fast. As he looked to his crew members with them for some assistance on making this decision, one of his security men stepped forward and said, "Sir, I can do this for us. I'm single and I really want this mission to succeed too."

Kirk raised an eyebrow at the man and said, "Are you sure about this, Lieutenant? You are aware that all of this would be far above the call of duty."

The Lieutenant stood up proud and said, "Yes, sir. I want to do this."

Kirk gave his team a small smile in relief, and then he spoke in humor to his Lieutenant, "You certainly could be worse off. Alright, let's tell them."

Kirk broke their little circle and then he approached the leader and the daughter and said, "Lieutenant Masterson has volunteered to take my place in the union. I hope he'll do?"

Both of them looked the Lieutenant over and the daughter nodded to her father.

"The Lieutenant seems capable of fulfilling our tradition." she added, giving Masterson a smile.

The Lieutenant blushed at her and the leader, and Kirk decided that he should just leave and let them to it.

"Alright, everyone. Let's beam up. Masterson, we'll be checking in on you in a couple of hours. If we don't hear from you, we'll be coming back down, got it?" Kirk said as the rest of them prepared to be beamed out.

"Yes, sir." he said with a shy smile.

Kirk smiled at him one more time and then he flipped open his communicator and said, "Scotty, beam us up."  



	9. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 9 **

**   
Chapter 9   
**

When they beamed back aboard the ship, Kirk turned to Uhura as they made their way back to the bridge and he said in mild amusement, "Thanks a lot…mate."

She seemed to understand that it was just a small tease, so she stuck to giving him a small smile and said, "Yeah, about that. I'm thinking about getting you replaced."

"Is that right? Who's the lucky potential replacement?" Kirk said, raising an eyebrow in humor.

Uhura felt a bit of color coming to her cheeks, but after a mild hesitation she said, "Well, a certain Scotsman has caught my eye…"

Kirk chuckled, recalling his slightly drunk conversation with Scotty about this and he said, "That explains the eyes you two were making at each other today when we beamed up and returned to the ship."

Uhura scoffed lightly, but the blush was still obvious on her cheeks. On getting in the lift that would take them back to the bridge, she said meaningfully, "Spock's a lot more forgiving than you think."

Kirk sighed at these words from her, and he softly replied, "I hope you're right."

But the moment the both of them got on the bridge, Kirk put his situation with Spock and the other's condition out of mind at least until they finished with this mission.

Another few days passed, and speaking with Uhura at least helped him share some of his guilt. His guilt wouldn't leave until he spoke to the other though, so was back to watching Spock in sickbay whenever he wasn't on duty. He kept a watch over Spock whenever he could, his want to make everything up to the other growing with every passing hour.

Sometimes he would wait in the waiting area of the sickbay if it got to be too much for him to stare at the other's motionless form. He was slightly comforted by seeing Spock's chest rising and falling in a regular pattern, assuring him that the other was hanging on, but at times, he just couldn't take his helplessness in the situation, underlined by the other's sedentary form on the bed.

The present time was one such instance, where he was sitting in the sickbay waiting room, just trying to tell himself for the millionth time that everything would be okay. He just wanted Spock to wake up. It didn't matter if the other wanted to be with him or not. As long as he woke up…Kirk was running another anxious hand through his hair when his thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

McCoy then stepped into the waiting room and said with a half smile, "Jim, Spock's finally starting to wake up."

Kirk immediately stood up and the most honest grin in days came to his face. He didn't even have to say anything about wanting to talk to him, since McCoy knew how badly he needed to see him.

McCoy motioned for him to go on in, patting him lightly on the shoulder and saying, "He's probably still a little sore in the stomach, so go easy on him."

Kirk nodded again, and a somber look then coming to his face as he readied himself for this meeting. He would probably continue to feel like the worst human being alive as long as it took him to apologize for everything he did. He walked into the room, and he noticed that McCoy and Chapel thankfully were giving the both of them some space for this.

He went to sit beside Spock's bed and he watched the other blinking his eyes as Spock focused on him. Not sure what to do, Kirk gave Spock a very hesitant smile and said softly, "Hey."

Spock lifted his head a bit. "Captain," he greeted. "My apologies for causing you so much worry."

Hearing Spock referring to him as "Captain" in such a setting cut through his heart.

He shook his head lightly as he replied, "No, Spock, this was all my fault, and I'm sorry."

Kirk spoke as honestly and genuinely as he could manage, feeling his guilt really eating him alive at this point.

Spock frowned the slightest bit as he saw the expression on Kirk's face, and he said, "Jim. You had no fault in this. I can only thank you for notifying Doctor McCoy quickly."

"No," Kirk insisted, his eyes practically begging the other for forgiveness, and his tone getting harsh as he talked about himself, "It is my fault. I've caused you all this pain, and for what? I'm such a thoughtless person."

"Jim..." Spock was visibly touched. He lifted a hand to take the Kirk's and he softly added, "You did not wish this on me. And you are not thoughtless."

"I am selfish, I am thoughtless, and I am careless. You've tried to tell me these things before, in your own way, and I never listened. And when we were able to actually get closer, I fucked it all up." Kirk said, looking shamefully at the floor.

"You are not to blame for any of this. You were uncomfortable with the idea; I understand this. It is not your fault." Spock whispered, trying to speak in Kirk's defense, in spite of what had happened to him.

"And what sort of moron would refuse what you tried to give me? What...you've never tried to give anyone else? I threw it away because I'm a selfish coward!" Kirk said roughly with downright bitterness at himself.

"You cannot blame yourself for being uncomfortable with such an idea," Spock said.

"Yes, I can." Kirk said in raw emotion, "After seeing what happened to my mom when dad died, I decided that I didn't want to have to need someone else, or depend on them. I thought that if I was able to keep myself strictly individual, that I would be happy. And now I see...I'm not happy at all. I've hurt the one I love and now I have to see him in the pain I put him in...the pain I've caused you."

"Love?" Spock whispered quietly in a way that showed he wasn't sure he'd heard Kirk correctly.

"Yeah...love. It took all of this for me to realize it and stop denying it to myself." Kirk said, laughing mockingly at himself, "I'm such a goddamn idiot, and I know that I don't deserve you, but I wanted to let you know that I do love you, and I want to...make this all up to you."

Kirk almost laughed at himself again at just how shallow he sounded. How do you make up to someone repeated rejections of lifelong commitment, and then stressing said person to the point that you compromise their health and cause them a near fatal stomach ulcer?

Its just not possible. All through his stupidity, he messed up what he now realized was the most important relationship in his life. Spock was trying so hard to give him his love and himself...and now that it wasn't possible, he was willing to accept?

He really was a deplorable human being, he realized that now.

Spock looked at him and spoke in soft intensity, "Jim..." he said, softly. "Come closer."

Kirk knew that he was a very readily emotional person when properly compelled, and now, he was having trouble containing himself. He wanted to be the one hurting instead of Spock, he wanted to take Spock into his arms to let him know how sorry he was, he wished that he could just sink into the ground and just disappear out of the other's life so that he could stop hurting him.

And he was still scared that if he got close to Spock again, he would just hurt him worse, but with the other on a hospital bed, he knew he owed him this much, so he moved closer as was requested of him.

Spock grabbed Jim's arm. "Words are not sufficient to describe the intense relief you have just given me, t'hy'la. "

"Spock, I'm sorry...I don't want to hurt you anymore." Kirk said, looking away from him and felt a twinge in his heart, not able to take that look of affection he found in the other's eyes.

He didn't deserve that look, and he didn't know why the other still wanted to look at him that way. Kirk never felt this horrible in his life and he felt his eyes tearing up at the honest look in Spock's eyes...how the other still wanted so badly to trust him, but was hesitant to after all this.

"I want to make it all up to you...it's okay if you don't want me, and it's okay if you don't want me to stay around...I just want to do something that will make you feel good, and if it's the transfer, I'll give you that. I'll do whatever you want me to."

"Jim," Spock said. "I have never stopped wanting you. There is not a soul who could replace you in my eyes. Please... please do stay."

"You really want me to stay?" Kirk said in disbelief, hoping beyond hope that Spock would one day be able to really forgive him.

"Yes. I need you to stay, Jim."

"Then I'll stay." Kirk said, nodding and having a very serious look on his face.

This was no time to joke, especially since he wanted Spock to see that he meant this with all his soul, and that he was so, so sorry for everything.

Kirk was happy that Spock seemed to believe him, and he whispered back, "Thank you."

"Can I...kiss you?" Kirk never asked if he could do something like this before, only taking what he wanted then, but now he would not take Spock for granted.

If Spock actually still wanted him after all this, he would do anything for him, no matter the cost to himself. He had to make up for what he did, and he figured asking Spock for permission would be the best way to begin this.

"Please," Spock said, his tone pleading. "Please do."

Kirk bent over Spock and he met his lips in a very soft and loving kiss, totally undemanding. He wanted nothing out of this, as Spock had already given him far more than he ever deserved.

Spock reached up to pull Kirk closer gently, and Kirk eagerly complied, not realizing just how much he'd missed closeness with the other until now. He was careful not to push against Spock with too much pressure, as the other was likely still a bit fragile. He kissed the other as long as the air in his lungs held out, and then he pulled back and panted softly for breath.

"I love you, Spock, oh god, I love you." Kirk babbled slightly, never letting himself feel like this before.

"T'hy'la..." Spock murmured. "I love you, too."

Kirk gasped quietly as a few tears slipped out and fell on Spock's cheek. How could have refused such a gift the first time? He was a fool. And he definitely would never make this mistake again.

When Spock reached a hand up to cup Kirk's cheek gently, he leaned into the touch and he gave Spock a grin. Spock smiled back softly.


	10. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 10 **

**   
Chapter 10   
**

Kirk had decided that he had to do something for Spock that would show him just how much he cared, and how much he was willing to try for him, and he figured that taking the other on a trip that would allow Spock to study the wildlife on the planet they were to spend their shore leave on would be a nice gesture.

And it definitely would be a nice thing to preclude what he had planned later that night.

Spock, since his release from sickbay on the condition that he keep his intake of certain foods to a bare minimum, had noticed that he was spending a large amount of time thinking about the planet they were to take their shore leave on. It was extremely well-known for its marine wildlife. He doubted he'd have time to observe it firsthand, but he was sure he'd have time to ask the locals some questions.

He got up from where he was sitting in his quarters when he heard the door buzz, knowing that it must be Kirk, as they had planned to leave the ship together at this time. He grabbed his bag and opened the door. The edges of his lips twitched upward at the warm look Kirk was giving him and replied softly, "Jim."

Kirk grinned back at him and said, "Ready to go?"

Spock nodded, and then he saw Kirk fidgeting slightly as his grin turned a little nervous, "Well, I...I arranged to spend the day with you today. Like...just you. Just us."

Spock could tell that the other was really trying to make their relationship more than just sex, and the idea was exciting and a little daunting at the same time. He was such a private person, it was a little difficult to accept.

Spock felt his cheeks tinge green as he replied, "You would want to spend the day together?"

"Yeah, I really would." The look in his eyes as he replied was downright affectionate and it made Spock want to melt.

Perhaps there really was hope for something more. Spock's cheeks tinged further as he moved a little closer to Kirk, "It sounds like it will be a wonderful day."

Kirk then couldn't resist pulling Spock into a quick hug and placing a soft kiss on the other's cheek, and Spock could feel through his touch telepathy that the other was slightly embarrassed at how sickeningly sweet his action was, but strangely it seemed that the other didn't want to stop. Facinating, indeed.

Finally Kirk pulled back and then led the way to the transporter room, saying, "This planet is supposed to have a great deal of its surface covered by oceans...somewhat of an island paradise."

"So I have heard," Spock said. "It is known for the wide diversity of its marine wildlife." He couldn't help but show at least a little of his awe show in his voice. Vulcan had very little marine wildlife, so marine biology had always fascinated him.

Kirk's smile grew again and when they finally they got to the transporter, Kirk requested to have them dropped off at a particular point on the beach.

When they arrived on the beach, Spock subtly took Jim's hand, rubbing his thumb over the back. He noticed the look on Kirk's face was absolutely serene as he looked out toward the horizon and it made his heart skip a beat. He was truly blessed to have Kirk in his life this way.

Kirk gave Spock's hand a squeeze finally as he said, "Nice, isn't it?"

"Indeed," Spock agreed, looking at the water with a look of intense curiosity. He wished dearly to see what was under the surface.

Kirk grinned when he saw the way Spock was regarding the ocean in front of them and said, "Well, I've planned for us to go scuba diving today...you know, to see all the cool fishes and stuff."

Spock turned to look at Jim, his eyes wide. "Jim..." he whispered, grinning for just a brief moment before remembering that he was a Vulcan. "Jim, this is..." he trailed off, at a loss for words.

"It's not even close to what you deserve, Spock, but it's a start." Kirk said, giving him a bright grin that reminded him of a star.

Kirk then led the him over to the people on the beach who lent out the scuba equipment and gave lessons, seeming to have done all his homework before coming to this planet.

Spock kept closer than usual to Jim. "Jim, this is amazing. I cannot think of how to thank you for this opportunity."

"Just...be happy. All I want from you is for you to be happy." Kirk replied simply, touching Spock's face for a moment, then going over to the people to arrange for what they needed for the excursion.

Spock felt his cheek tinge impossibly greener when Kirk touched him, and he just watched Jim for a moment, admiring him.

They both got on their gear and Spock thought Kirk looked clumsy and ridiculous in the suit and he couldn't help but smile the smallest bit, "Forgive me for saying it, Jim, but you look absolutely ridiculous."

Kirk laughed a little more and he said, "I was just having the same thought."

Then the teacher motioned them over to the water and began giving them their lesson.

Once they were underwater together, Spock felt as if he was in Heaven - this was so vastly different from Vulcan, and so much more intriguing.

Kirk wished that they could speak as they moved underwater with the fishes, finding the looks of wonder and awe in the other's eyes to be more breathtaking than the sights of the unusual fishes and other creatures that the planet offered to them.

Spock reached out, touching Jim's arm. _It is breathtaking, Jim. Thank you so much._

Kirk smiled in reply to the thought pressed into him and though he wasn't telepathic like Spock, it seemed as though he had some special skill in sensing just what he was feeling anyway. This made Spock smile inwardly, feeling safe with letting Jim know his emotions.

After a few more minutes of admiring the sea animals, Kirk motioned his want to resurface. Spock nodded and followed the other to the surface. Finally, they returned to the shore and returned all of their scuba gear, and Kirk barely waited till they were dressed to give Spock the most loving kiss he could manage, right there on the beach, not caring if anyone saw them, even if, admittedly, there were very few people on this beach as it was.

Spock reciprocated, unable to resist - being with Kirk felt amazing in ways he couldn't describe, and he was not about to let any contradictory thought work its way into his head for any reason. Kirk held that kiss as long as his breath held out, and then he brought him in for a warm and tight embrace.

Spock rested his head against the side of Kirk's. "T'hy'la..." he murmured, "Thank you. For all of this..."

Kirk held on tightly as he whispered back, "I'll live up to the honor of being called that, I promise you...I don't know what it means exactly, but I can tell it's important."

Spock smiled softly, feeling safe since no one else was there to see the blatant emotion on his face, "There is no precise translation into Standard, but it is a term used only for those closest to a Vulcan's heart."

"Spock..." Kirk said softly and lovingly in the other's ear in response, and it made the love he felt for Kirk well up so strongly in his chest.

Kirk kissed Spock one more time, and once again, Spock counted his lucky stars that Kirk was with him, even when it seemed most hopeless. His t'hy'la...to even have this much was more than he'd dared hope for, and the only thing he wished for more than anything else was never to be parted from him.

Finally, Kirk pulled back from him and gave him another one of his bright smiles that never failed to make his heart skip a beat, and he led them back to the transporter that would return them to the ship.


	11. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 11 **

**   
Chapter 11   
**

The bridge crew had decided that during this shore leave, they would at least have one nice dinner together, and that evening was the agreed upon night for the event. They decided to go to a famed and slightly fancy restaurant on this planet, naturally being famous for the interesting seafood dishes it had to offer.

Perhaps Spock wouldn't be looking at that portion of the menu, but Kirk thought that he might, always willing to give new and exotic foods a try. But he shook his head. His entre choice was not of much importance, given that during this dinner, he would probably be taking the biggest chance of his life.

None of his bridge crew, or Spock, knew that he planned to finally take the plunge. He was going to propose to the other in the sappiest way imaginable, and though this would basically finish his "lady killer" reputation, he figured that it could be damned since, for the first time in his life, he was willing to devote himself to another being in the universe.

But, since no one really knew of his intentions, would Spock react favorably? Earlier in the day, the other seemed overjoyed with him, but he wondered at Spock's reaction if he made their love fairly public through this slightly spontaneous proposal. Then there was the whole notifying Starfleet of their commitment that he wasn't looking forward to either, but he supposed he shouldn't get too ahead of himself. Spock had to accept his proposal before they worried about any of that.

He was sure that Bones would get mad at him later, since he didn't even tell him of his plans for this evening. He wasn't sure why he wanted to keep it so secret, but he figured that his nerves would be even worse if more people had known about this in advance. There also would have been the slight chance that Spock would have gotten wind of the plan if others had known as well. This was the best way to go about this, he supposed, but it didn't make him feel any more confident.

Kirk never did relationships before, unless he counted the time in fifth grade he dated a girl for a week. But this, what he had with Spock, was in a completely different ball park. This was a forever kind of thing, and in the past he'd run from it faster than someone could blink, but now he planned to just jump forward.

As he got dressed for the evening, he fingered the rings that were in his coat pocket and thought about what he was going to say. He tried to assure himself that whatever came from his heart would be good enough, but he'd hurt Spock so deeply that he wouldn't blame the other for wanting more time to forgive him.

No matter how many times Spock told him that he had done nothing wrong, he still felt that guilt in the pit of his stomach to have mistreated the other so. Now, he would show the other that he was ready to spend the rest of his life making it up to the other. He just hoped that Spock would accept him.

At about seven that evening, everyone met in front of the restaurant with he and Spock being the last to arrive. Everyone was chatting about the interesting experiences they had on the planet so far, but Kirk was mostly quiet, not really listening to anyone, much too nervous, anxious, and excited about what he was going to say later in the evening.

Finally all of them were led to a fairly private table near to the back of Kirk's choosing, since it wouldn't help his nerves more to propose in front of an entire restaurant. He was so distracted that he didn't even realize that Spock had started talking to him until he heard the other's voice soft in his ear, "Is something troubling you, Jim?"

Barely resisting the urge to give a start at the other's voice interrupting his thoughts, Kirk smiled slightly sheepishly and said, "No I'm just fine. Just enjoying the nice atmosphere of this restaurant and time with my friends."

Kirk wasn't sure he other bought that at the eyebrow Spock gave him, but he was thankful that the other dropped the subject. He didn't want his surprise to be ruined, since he was sure he would accidentally blurt something out if Spock persisted.

Dinner moved along at a torturously slow pace, and Kirk's tension slowly built up until he was starting to fidget slightly in anticipation of his plan. This attracted the attention of McCoy as well, since he then leaned over from his other side and whispered curiously, "What's wrong with you, Jim? It's like you've got ants in your pants."

Jim chuckled, glad for the interruption to his thoughts this time, busy collecting his nerves since the moment he would speak was coming fast, and he replied very quietly, "No ants in my pants, thankfully. Just a couple of rings in my coat pocket."

McCoy silently processed Kirk's statement and then his eyes widened in surprise and a little disbelief and he whispered back, "…Rings? So, Jim…you're going to…?"

He grinned and said, "Let's see how this goes, huh?"

And as crabby and sarcastic as his best friend was, Kirk knew that he was really happy for him, and it showed in the actual smile that he received from the doctor on revealing his intentions. He said nothing else to McCoy or anyone else at the table on the subject, not wanting the cat to come out of the bag too quickly, and finally when it was time for dessert, Kirk decided to jump on the chance to speak as they were waiting.

He looked to McCoy for a bit of support and he felt a little more confident at the nod he got from him.

He cleared his throat to get everyone's attention and said, "Umm…I'd like to say something."

Kirk then looked straight into Spock's eyes and he melted from the unconditional love and warmth he found there, and this let him know that what he was about to do was the right choice, without a doubt.

He smiled warmly at Spock and then he addressed everyone at the table, "You know, in this time we've been together on the Enterprise, we've been through a lot, and I now know that there probably isn't a better crew that I could have ever asked for. Not only are all of you great officers, I can safely count every one of you as my friends."

With this, he gave Uhura a playful wink that caused her, and the rest of the table, to chuckle, and when he continued, he fixed an unwavering and openly affectionate gaze at Spock, "But…the thing I've learned most keenly is just how lucky I was to have as devoted a First Officer as Spock, who, even after thinking I'm illogical, irrational, cocky, and over confident, still supports me in everything I do."

Kirk saw the tips of Spock's ears getting a little more green at all of this attention and praise, and he could see the edges of the other's mouth just barely curving into a smile, and this, in turn, caused a little color to come his cheeks as he grinned back. If he didn't feel so taken with the other, he would have been annoyed at how sappy he was getting with all of this, but none of that mattered as long as Spock was happy.

He then turned his body so that he was only looking at Spock as he continued to speak, "I know I don't deserve any of that…I know I don't deserve someone like you."

Kirk knew that Spock didn't do public displays of affection usually, but Kirk was sure that this occasion called for it, and so he gently took one of the other's hands in both of his to hold on and give it a squeeze, and he softly said, "I had to learn the hard way to appreciate everything that you've given me, and now I want to make up for every stupid thing I've ever said or done to you…because I love you. I really do love you."

His face reddened even more at his admissions, and he saw that Spock's face was now green as well as his ears, and the look of hope and affection he found in those deep, dark eyes threatened to swallow him whole. Only Spock had the power to make him feel as though he'd completely lost himself, and this was one of those times.

Kirk then stuffed one of his hands in his coat pocket to dig out one of the rings that was there, and he saw that his hand was trembling when he finally pulled that simple gold ring out. He was surprised that something so simple could feel so incredibly heavy in his fingers, and then his voice shook with nervousness and emotion when he spoke again, never having put himself out on such a limb in his life. He never dreamed that this day would come, when he would so easily sacrifice his 'freedom' to another person, but he couldn't think of a single thing he wanted more than to give himself to Spock in full this way.

"Spock…" he gulped and continued speaking as he fiddled with the ring he was holding in his hand, vaguely aware of the looks and noises of surprise the rest of his bridge crew were giving as soon as he produced the ring from his pocket, "I…know that I'm not so good at this love stuff, but I want to get better so that I can give you kind of love that you deserve."

He held tighter to Spock's hand and pushed himself to continue, not going to lose his nerve now that he'd started, "I want what you want…I just was too stupid to realize that for the longest time…I want forever, so uhh…"

Kirk felt his face flushing as he opened one of Spock's hands and put the ring he was holding in it, and he said the final words, "Please let me try to be everything you deserve."

Spock hardly thought for a moment and he replied in a soft and meaningful tone, "Yes, Jim…yes."

Kirk then gave Spock a face splitting grin and pulled the other close for a spontaneous and passionate kiss, not wanting to hold back how much he loved the other in front of their closest friends. Though Spock wasn't usually much for such public displays of affection, he seemed to understand Kirk's need in this instance and did not pull away. When Spock pulled back from the kiss, he slipped the ring that Kirk gave him on the appropriate finger, and Kirk reached into his pocket for his ring to do the same.

After everyone at the table expressed their congratulations to both of them, they continued with their conversations until after they had their desserts, and finally Kirk whispered in Spock's ear, "You want to cut out early to spend some time alone?"

"That does sound agreeable." Spock whispered back, his lips curved up again.

As they got up from the table, Kirk noticed that there was a dance floor in this restaurant and that Scotty had convinced Uhura to dance with him. He made sure to shoot them both a smile as he and Spock made their way out of the restaurant.


	12. Just Out of Grasp Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Chapter 12 **

**   
Chapter 12   
**

Kirk took Spock with him to a nice hotel he'd reserved a room on for their shore leave on this planet. It was large and very comfortable, but the thing that Kirk was most concerned with in the room in this moment was the bed. He'd expressed his love to Spock in front of their closest friends, and now he wanted to express it solely to Spock in the most personal and meaningful way that he could.

"This room must have necessitated a great portion of your income to acquire. It was not necessary- " Spock started saying as he looked around the nice room, but Kirk quickly cut him off with a grin and soft, affectionate words.

"No, I didn't have to do it, but I wanted to make you feel good. And what am I going to do with all my credits while I'm stuck on the Enterprise the whole time anyway?"

"I suppose there is a kind of logic to your actions this time." Spock said, a tiny smirk coming to his lips.

Kirk smirked and then he quickly pulled Spock into his arms, whispering, "C'mere."

Spock let himself be moved and he settled his head in the crook of Kirk's neck and shoulder with a soft sigh. Kirk reached up to stroke the back of Spock's head with a tenderness he was still getting accustomed to, not in the habit of showing romantic affection with anyone much. He supposed that it wasn't only due to his not wanting to get tied down, but he really never found anyone before Spock that he wanted to share that with.

Finally, he tilted Spock's chin upward and took his lips in a soft kiss, not rushing or being demanding…just wanting to show his appreciation for the other.

"I want us to make love this time, Spock…" Kirk breathed into the other's ear as he began to place tender kisses on his neck, "I don't just want to fuck."

Not wasting any time, he gently led the other to the bed and urged him to lay down on it. When he carefully got on next to Spock, he realized that the bed was rather comfortable. He smiled to himself and decided that this room was worth every credit.

"Just relax, okay?" Kirk said, leaning down to kiss Spock softly on the cheek and begin to work his way downward.

"But Jim…I would like to pleasure you as well…" Spock said in a soft protest, but he made no move to get up or stop Kirk's kisses.

Kirk just smiled and shook his head, speaking as he pulled Spock's shirt over his head, "You've done enough, Spock…I need to do this for you."

There was no further argument from Spock as he helped Kirk get his own pants off, leaving him just in his underwear on the bed with his arousal very obvious at this point. Kirk didn't rush this time, just taking his time to kiss Spock down his chest, stopping at a nipple to take it into his mouth to tease softly.

The soft noise he was rewarded with fueled his movements and he increased the pressure a little, not stopping until he felt and heard Spock's breath coming out in soft gasps. Kirk then began to move his lips down the other's stomach while his hands then began to move up Spock's thighs.

The movement caused Spock to arch himself into Kirk's lips and moan, and the unrestrained sound from the usually very uptight Vulcan made Kirk shiver. He decided that he needed to get Spock to do this more, and so he leaned back over Spock, rubbing him through his underwear as he locked lips with him again.

Spock groaned into Kirk's mouth and ran his hands up the Captain's back, using his hands to begin pulling off his shirt. Kirk agreed with this, and he helped pull off his clothes so that he was only in his underwear as well, shivering again when he felt their skin rubbing together.

Spock's hot skin was setting his on fire, and that was just the way he liked it. He moved against Spock at an agonizingly slow pace and he whispered into his ear, "I want you to take me…I want you to feel good."

Spock shuddered under his body and under his kisses and he gasped, "Yes, t'hy'la…my most cherished one…"

Kirk smiled lovingly at Spock and then he moved down to slowly get off him, and then he removed Spock's underwear finally, bending down to kiss the tip of his arousal and to lick away some of the pre-come that had gathered there. Smirking lightly, he pushed down his own underwear, and then changed their positions on the bed so that he was lying down and Spock was propped over him.

Kirk felt those dark, intense eyes taking him in slowly, and he couldn't help but moan under the scrutiny. Kirk's hand shot out to the bedside table to grab the lubrication he had left there in preparation for this event, and then he handed it to Spock.

Spock leaned down to kiss Kirk's forehead and he whispered almost too quietly to be heard, "Jim…"

Kirk felt his face reddening at the look of love and trust Spock was giving him, and he smiled back, feeling more warmth inside himself than he ever thought possible. Never looking away from him, Spock got a liberal amount of the lube on his hands and gently began to prepare him.

After a few moments of this, Kirk couldn't take it anymore, wriggling on the bed as he softly whined, "Spock…I'm ready…please…"

Spock quickly used his other hand to prepare himself and then he positioned himself to enter Kirk as comfortably for both of them as possible and Kirk took in a sharp breath when Spock worked his way completely inside. He held on tightly to Spock and just savored the feeling for a moment before he allowed the other to move.

Spock made sure to make each movement slowly, no matter how much both of them wanted to hurry it along, this whole moment between them symbolic of their new devotion to each other. This delicious torture continued for longer than Kirk thought he could stand, but the minute that Spock reached forward to stroke him in time with his thrusts, Kirk knew he was lost.

"I…_Spock_…I'm so-please!" Kirk moaned and begged shamelessly, angling his hips differently so that Spock could get even deeper.

Kirk assumed he was persuasive enough as Spock suddenly increased the speed and force of his thrusts, soon earnestly banging into him, now wanting to bring both of them to completion. Kirk found that he couldn't last for long now, arching his back and crying out loudly as he came, which then brought Spock over the edge as well.

Kirk gasped for breath as he sank into the bed, holding tightly to Spock as they recovered together. Finally, he spoke when he was able to again, "Oh, god…that was amazing…"

Spock just gave him a half smile as he was bringing his own breath under control and gave him a soft kiss on the neck in response. When the both of them had calmed down sufficiently, Kirk pulled Spock to a more comfortable position next to him and put his arms around him.

He nuzzled his cheek into the top of Spock's head and he murmured, "You know, I want to marry you, obviously…but I want more than that. I want you to bond us."

This caused Spock to sit up slightly and give him a surprised look, saying, "Jim…such a bond is not to be entered into lightly. Our minds will forever be one after that moment."

Kirk just gave him a small smile and countered, "But you do want that kind of bond with me, don't you? You have for a while."

Spock shook his head and said, "What I want is irrelevant until you understand the consequences of such a bonding between us. Could you share all of yourself with me? From that time, there would be no more secrets between us either."

Kirk silently contemplated what Spock told him and said, "Yeah, I think I can."

"Do not enter this without thought, Jim. I do desire all of you, but I am only ready to take what you are willing to give me." Spock said, not wanting to go ahead with something Kirk could easily regret at a later time.

"After everything you've put yourself through for me, how would I feel any different even if I thought about it for a while? I do want forever, and since I don't think there is a better way to show you that I am yours, this is what we have to do." Kirk said with determination, giving Spock a very affectionate look.

"If you are certain." Spock said, raising his hand and putting it on Kirk's at the meld points on his face.

Kirk gasped as he felt Spock's consciousness diving into his own, and he was reminded of the meld he had shared with Spock Prime.

_Jim…let your consciousness mix with mine…_Kirk heard Spock's voice, and then he saw an image of Spock in his mind.

He suspected this was his mind's way of trying to make sense of this whole experience, and so he walked forward and touched the face of the image. The sensations that the contact produced were quite powerful, and he felt himself shivering at the intensity. He could tell that those feelings weren't just his own, but Spock's as well.

The other's mind didn't feel scary or alien at all…it felt like it was meant to be there, and so he pulled the image of Spock into his arms to give it a tight embrace.

_Spock…I…I've never felt like this before…_Kirk thought, this whole experience taking his breath away.

_This is a Vulcan life bond. _Spock explained, kissing Kirk slowly and sensuously down the neck.

Their minds and souls wound tighter and tighter, leaving Kirk gasping as he couldn't tell which was which anymore. He could feel everything Spock was feeling, as he was sure Spock could feel the same from him.

_We are now one, my t'hy'la…_Spock thought to him warmly, Kirk getting the distinct feeling that the other was smiling at him.

_I wish we did this sooner…I wish I wasn't so stupid earlier…_Kirk thought to Spock in some sadness.

_Do not think further on it, Jim. All is forgiven. _And with those thoughts from Spock, the other sent over feelings of comfort and love as well, and this really did help alleviate the guilt he felt over it.

After a few more moments, Spock pulled himself out of the meld, but Kirk could still feel the other's presence in his mind, and he liked it. He pulled the other close to cuddle again, and he thought to the other, _I will never let you feel unloved from this time forward, Spock. I promise you._

_And I will hold every moment with you close to my heart. _Spock thought back.

This made Kirk grin and he spontaneously locked Spock in a passionate kiss.

"Forever…" he whispered as he met eyes with Spock with the smile still touching his lips.

All he needed was the small smile that Spock gave in return, and he swooped in with another kiss.


End file.
